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Dec. 19th, 2003 11:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiMy general deal with myself in regards to LJ is that it's something in which I engage in an attempt to externalize more, to get at least ideas out so that they aren't just in my head (as far too much of my life has been, for far too long). While I know it's inherently performative, I try not to focus on that so much, and rather use it as a forum, sort of like creating an imperfect surface on which to place some thoughts so that I can see them in a maybe different perspective, and possibly catch some glimpses of imperfect reflections of myself, in a different and less restrained way. Whether I'm successful or not is open for debate, but I like to think that it's not just stubbornness that keeps me going at it.
I often think that I lose myself, or my meaning, in the structure of writing. While I know there's nothing wrong with correctly using accusative, dative, or subjunctive case, it often seems unnecessarily formal, and consequently distancing. At other times, I worry too much about being too vague, too intentionally (as opposed to meaningfully) symbolic, of hiding my meaning from both my own direct scrutiny, as well as that from the handful of people who might run across it; if I'm vague, I can easily dodge and escape, after all. It seems like a lack of commitment. While there may be some change in that slowly taking place (as a few usually perceptive folks have pointed out), I am of course not satisfied with the pace.
It's coming to the point now that I feel like I should make some decisions about my future. I've coasted a long time, to differing degrees of success in different areas, but not a lot has been based on choice (in fact, a strong case could be made that many of the decisions have been made by retreat or denial of choice). I'm certainly not talking about a series of seven year plans, or financial portfolio building, or anything like that, but I just feel like I'm not doing anything that's either important to me, or to anyone else. I've felt oddly liberated since early this week, when it became clear to me that I was probably in the last two weeks in my current employment. Even though not directly of my own choosing, I really can't see how this is a bad thing, per se, unless I manage to settle for something just as deadening and limiting. I don't see a lot of options, and finacial concerns are quite legitimate, but it still doesn't feel all that awful.
I'm beginning to realize that I probably can't have it all. In specific, I'm talking about physical issues. I really, really don't like my hairline; to me, it's one of the most gendered signs in my appearance. There are drugs for that, which may help, and I'm giving them a try. I'm also working on changing the contours of my body; there are drugs for that, and I'm getting more of the results I want now than before (which I think I like, but am afraid to commit to admitting). It probably comes as no surprise that the drugs from category 1 and the drugs from category 2 interact. Initially, the benefits became immediately apparent in pursuit of the category 2 results, and was greeted with some excitement, and possibly even some pleasure (though even that is hard to admit). Now it seems like there's possibly a price, though I could well be jumping the gun and misreading things.
I should preface by saying that while I definitely have gender issues, I don't have genital dysphoria, and I don't know that I ever have (I guess that's a telling statement in itself; at core, I really don't correlate absolute physical sex with gender). I may have issues with associated meanings of genitals, as well as what to me seems like a very natural curiousity about what the other set feels like, but I've no problem with my particular set, or with anyone else's, for that matter. It makes me laugh a little at myself to realize that in this case, at least, I don't exclusively privelege the signified over the signifier; there may be hope for me yet.
Back to the issue at hand (so to speak). In the past week, things haven't been operating quite the same way as before. This could well be environmental, at least in part; I've had lots on my mind, and that tends to be diverting. I have all too often kicked myself into sleep territory with what can only be described as a weird mix of meditation and affirming fantasy constructions by way of sexual validation. It could well be a side effect of stopping some clunky and clumsy neuroideological programming (which I know isn't good for me, but now for some reason seems to have less of a narcotic appeal than it did). In short, without too much detail, things are taking longer, and netting slightly different results. It may not be problematic at all, and I may be being paranoid, but the nagging fear is that things may well come to an either/or choice, when I'm sure I want both.
I think I'm coming to realize the depth of my own cowardice lately, particularly as a response to meeting some excellent people (fourounces among them) in person who either aren't as terrified, or don't allow themselves to be crippled by it like I seme to (While I take great comfort in knowing subjective distance has a way of lessening the visceral impact, if that makes any sense to anyone other than me). Oh, yeah, I'm talking about gender stuff again/still. Despite grudgingly acknowledging that linguistically feminine pronouns are more appealing to me than masculine, I feel... oddly guilty about it. When, on occasion it is commented that I actually do want gendering, my initial response is a loud, "No!". I feel afraid of looking too closely at what I might want; I'm afraid of trying for fear of failing; I'm afraid of being so caught in the system that I can't escape it; I'm afraid that the best, most satisfying choice is politically irresponsible at best and ideologically indefensible and dangerous at worst; I am afraid that my desires only serve to reinforce a system of oppression that I find reprehensible; I'm afraid that much of the thought and ideological construction I have done might be a mask for fear that just happens to look like a desire for justice, consistency, and fairness; I am afraid of realizing I'm just a big fake.
I think I have run out of steam, so no more self revelation at the moment.
I often think that I lose myself, or my meaning, in the structure of writing. While I know there's nothing wrong with correctly using accusative, dative, or subjunctive case, it often seems unnecessarily formal, and consequently distancing. At other times, I worry too much about being too vague, too intentionally (as opposed to meaningfully) symbolic, of hiding my meaning from both my own direct scrutiny, as well as that from the handful of people who might run across it; if I'm vague, I can easily dodge and escape, after all. It seems like a lack of commitment. While there may be some change in that slowly taking place (as a few usually perceptive folks have pointed out), I am of course not satisfied with the pace.
It's coming to the point now that I feel like I should make some decisions about my future. I've coasted a long time, to differing degrees of success in different areas, but not a lot has been based on choice (in fact, a strong case could be made that many of the decisions have been made by retreat or denial of choice). I'm certainly not talking about a series of seven year plans, or financial portfolio building, or anything like that, but I just feel like I'm not doing anything that's either important to me, or to anyone else. I've felt oddly liberated since early this week, when it became clear to me that I was probably in the last two weeks in my current employment. Even though not directly of my own choosing, I really can't see how this is a bad thing, per se, unless I manage to settle for something just as deadening and limiting. I don't see a lot of options, and finacial concerns are quite legitimate, but it still doesn't feel all that awful.
I'm beginning to realize that I probably can't have it all. In specific, I'm talking about physical issues. I really, really don't like my hairline; to me, it's one of the most gendered signs in my appearance. There are drugs for that, which may help, and I'm giving them a try. I'm also working on changing the contours of my body; there are drugs for that, and I'm getting more of the results I want now than before (which I think I like, but am afraid to commit to admitting). It probably comes as no surprise that the drugs from category 1 and the drugs from category 2 interact. Initially, the benefits became immediately apparent in pursuit of the category 2 results, and was greeted with some excitement, and possibly even some pleasure (though even that is hard to admit). Now it seems like there's possibly a price, though I could well be jumping the gun and misreading things.
I should preface by saying that while I definitely have gender issues, I don't have genital dysphoria, and I don't know that I ever have (I guess that's a telling statement in itself; at core, I really don't correlate absolute physical sex with gender). I may have issues with associated meanings of genitals, as well as what to me seems like a very natural curiousity about what the other set feels like, but I've no problem with my particular set, or with anyone else's, for that matter. It makes me laugh a little at myself to realize that in this case, at least, I don't exclusively privelege the signified over the signifier; there may be hope for me yet.
Back to the issue at hand (so to speak). In the past week, things haven't been operating quite the same way as before. This could well be environmental, at least in part; I've had lots on my mind, and that tends to be diverting. I have all too often kicked myself into sleep territory with what can only be described as a weird mix of meditation and affirming fantasy constructions by way of sexual validation. It could well be a side effect of stopping some clunky and clumsy neuroideological programming (which I know isn't good for me, but now for some reason seems to have less of a narcotic appeal than it did). In short, without too much detail, things are taking longer, and netting slightly different results. It may not be problematic at all, and I may be being paranoid, but the nagging fear is that things may well come to an either/or choice, when I'm sure I want both.
I think I'm coming to realize the depth of my own cowardice lately, particularly as a response to meeting some excellent people (fourounces among them) in person who either aren't as terrified, or don't allow themselves to be crippled by it like I seme to (While I take great comfort in knowing subjective distance has a way of lessening the visceral impact, if that makes any sense to anyone other than me). Oh, yeah, I'm talking about gender stuff again/still. Despite grudgingly acknowledging that linguistically feminine pronouns are more appealing to me than masculine, I feel... oddly guilty about it. When, on occasion it is commented that I actually do want gendering, my initial response is a loud, "No!". I feel afraid of looking too closely at what I might want; I'm afraid of trying for fear of failing; I'm afraid of being so caught in the system that I can't escape it; I'm afraid that the best, most satisfying choice is politically irresponsible at best and ideologically indefensible and dangerous at worst; I am afraid that my desires only serve to reinforce a system of oppression that I find reprehensible; I'm afraid that much of the thought and ideological construction I have done might be a mask for fear that just happens to look like a desire for justice, consistency, and fairness; I am afraid of realizing I'm just a big fake.
I think I have run out of steam, so no more self revelation at the moment.
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courage is for cowards
Date: 2003-12-19 01:20 pm (UTC)But courage is not what anyone thinks it is; as a matter of fact, like so many other things, courage is just the opposite of what people think. Courage is not the conquest of fear, but instead the very commitment to vulnerability, cowardice and fear. Courage IS fear. Courage is staying with fear, trusting in fear, and just seeing what happens. Rather than running from it or distracting yourself or, especially, denying and "conquering" fear, you experience it for what it is, with the most open, vulnerable heart. That heart is the purpose of courage, after all. So only we cowards have even a chance at courage. :)
It is the warrior who battles fear that is a coward. A true warrior is instead intimate with her fear. Fear is an opportunity to love.
Re: courage is for cowards
Date: 2003-12-19 04:11 pm (UTC)Re: courage is for cowards
Date: 2003-12-19 06:27 pm (UTC)Re: courage is for cowards
Date: 2003-12-20 04:38 am (UTC)Re: courage is for cowards
Date: 2003-12-20 09:00 am (UTC)Anyway, I would still say that the paralysis you feel is because you don't allow yourself to really feel fear, instead resisting it b/c you think that's what you're supposed to do. So you seem to me to still understand courage in the way most people do. Hmmm... like your other friends, I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up so much. That's probably the biggest key for you to get some courage (viz., compassion).
Re: courage is for cowards
Date: 2003-12-21 11:42 am (UTC)I know you all want to disallow me from playing to my strengths... ;)