Surprise

Sometimes, people surprise me in good ways. R (consort of P, for those who are keeping track) seemingly out of the blue sent me gender and hormone links previously, sans much context. Now, while I've never really gone out of my way to hide or deny my gender issues, particularly in certain groupings, it's not usually something that comes up (I suspect a reticence on the part of others when confronted with that outside their ken). With my penchant for and fondness of seeing patterns everywhere, I worked hard at deciphering/creating a context in which this made sense, but nothing seemed to resonate.

So tonight, R pulls me aside and explains that he just wasn't sure that those were resources of which I was aware. Conversation goes on enough to clearly show that R actually has some interest, and has done some research (which, even if not done for my benefit, still benefits me indirectly). Too, R apologized for removing the transgressive outlet from my LARP experience, above and beyond the "it's just a game" consequences.

So, I end up being touched, surprised, and impressed; thanks, sincerely.

(no subject)

I tend not to like doctors at all, of any sort (He Who is Paid for Insight is a Master, not a Doctor, even though it's medical doctors with whom I have issues). The Friend From the North, in typical manner, cut right to the chase:"Do you have a gender doctor? No? That's probably why". I hate it when other people are more insightful than I am.

I don't like at all that my "issues" are medicalized, that there are protocols blindly applied to anyone who doesn't seem to fit into the box they were given. These protocols are remnants from the 1950s, painfully sexist and heteronormative, and give total and complete power to the medical community over anyone who is convinced they want or need what the great medical father-gods have to offer. So yeah, I have slight authority, implicative, presumptive and power issues with doctors, particularly how they've been "trained" to deal with gender variance (actually, there's no variance taught, but simple binarism; you don't want to be this, so you must want to be that)

So, I don't go to doctors. Stupid, I know, but it's the least confrontational way. I don't relish the judgemental eye, the measured categorizing gaze. I don't like feeling like I have to justify myself to a healthcare provider, don't like the (semi-paranoid) thought that I might be tossed from my healthcare plan if my unsupervised endocrinological work became an issue; basically, I don't like feeling like I'm automatically put in the position of being powerless, and having to bend to the attitudes, protocols, and beliefs of doctors.

The giantslayer has a much more mercenary take on the whole thing; she suggests I fire doctors whose views I find odious, and keep looking until I find those who will accede to my will. I really feel like I don't have the confidence for that; each 'no' is a blow to what feels like a shaky structure that I'm simultaneously trying to build and keep from falling apart. (insert whining about how our society seems to despise ambiguity, and pushes everything towards one polar extreme or another).

But, I need to see doctors, if for no other reason than preventative maintenance (though the migraine issue makes visiting a neurologist seem like not a bad idea). So, I'm stuck, and need to move on this issue. (Much gritting of teeth) So, anyone have insight?