(no subject)

I rarely have the feeling that the games, all of them, are rigged in such a way that the house, whoever it may be, always wins. I may make blithe reference to such an outlook, but I don't usually fully subscribe to it.

Today is different. Today, pretty much everything falls into that category.

Woe to the first irritating customer who crosses my path this afternoon.

(no subject)

I feel.....nigh overwhelmed. Not with any Big Thing, but the massed perpetually-refreshing army of small things. It all feels quite a bit too much, and my reserves are so low I'm practically running on fumes.

I Love Rock N' Roll, track seven*

Apology

I feel the need to apologize to people I've never met, for maligning and dismissing them in certain circles. Granted, I only know them from their writings, but autobiography is pretty canonical under the circumstances, and if they expose their lives to me, can I not make assumptions from that? And yet, just because they expose parts of themselves doesn't remove what I bring to the process, and that's what I think I've tended to conveniently overlook. I think the starting place is similar; we all probably began with "I know this is not right for me". I think patterns shifted from there; I retreated into my head, into getting it all worked out, whereas the public personae to which I am apologizing went the other direction, and worked outside themselves. I guess, in a round about way, I think I understand how some people can go from outie/innie to innie/outie, and then realize that that's not enough. Their path has not been mine, certainly; maybe that doesn't mean we aren't doing similar things now (though I suspect I still feel way the hell more uncomfortable in my skin). So, for whatever it's worth, I'm sorry I was shallow and dismissive. I'll try not to do it again.

neither/nor

I feel developmentally challenged, at least with regards to dealing with institutions and groups. It's like in the flowchart of social life, I'm still stuck on a pretty early branch, while just about everyone else has moved on to much more interesting choices. I'm at the point that it just seems indefensibly stupid to randomly decide that this trait/behavior/accoutrement/etc is only for someone with this body part, while that one is for another. What the fuck is that all about? And yet, despite finding it stupid, I'm still painfully, acutely aware that others do think that way, and expect me to, as well.

The more things change...

I can remember when I was younger thinking things would be so much simpler if I was just gay (not that that's easy, but it looked easier).

Now, I find myself thinking things would be so much simpler if I was just transsexual.



OK, maybe not so many bits or pieces tonight.








*Yeah, I'm in that kind of mood where this seemed clever at the time,