(no subject)

"Too clever by half" is a phrase of which I've always liked the sound, but I've never incorporated it into my own usage, probably because I don't want to diminish it's meaning to me. It's something that, when I think about it, I apply to myself. I don't mean it in a semi-congratulatory way at all, nor do I substitute 'smart', 'intellectual', etc., for 'clever'; I mean it in the mentally nimble, intricately busy sort of way, always making something out of bits of other things, twisting, tinkering, and so on. I think I am so taken by/addicted to my own 'cleverness' that it interferes with other modes for me; I suspect that I don't enjoy and experience things fully because I am already trying to frame it in witty, allusive, but teasingly obscure ways, that the enjoyment of that framing replaces the enjoyment of the event in and of itself.


The strangest things make me sad. This evening, driving home with the windows down, feeling the wind softly tousling my hair, brushing along my arms and across my chest, teasingly tugging on my sleeves, listening to very sweet and happy music, the moment made me just sad. I don't understand how something that should be pleasant and enjoyable becomes something else, but sadness seems always just around the corner, if I stop and pay attention. I can't help but wonder if the distance, the cynicism, the alleged wit, the frustration, usw., aren't reactionary tools to keep the world at bay, but to keep the sadness from overwhelming me. There are so may very sad things all around, all the time.


I think I'd like a safe, productive period of turning my brain off, please.

Smash-up in my head

Porcelain + White Love = "In my dreams I'm dying all the time/wanna hold on to this for you"

Freaky, but I think the beats match.