(no subject)

I need to change something, probably about myself, but I don't know what that is, yet. I'm not happy with the default interactions I have with too many people, but I'm not sure there's a good or easy (not that there is any real relation, one to the other, there) way to do that. I think a lot of this goes back to gender shit, and a fair amount of it is my own susceptibility to the expectations of others, socially. It feels like a horrible closed system from which there is no escape, and all too many people have proved all too many times that the known, the comfortable, takes precedence over honoring that which I am trying to develop (not everyone does this, and those who don't, rock). I don't know how to break out of this, and cringe at the seemingly unavoidable acts of my own which reinforce it, like language (I don't think I do it culturally, but I could be blind to that). If it's hard for me, how hard must it be for others, who don't live on the point of it all like I do?

I want to start fresh, to come to things, to people, to interactions with no preconceptions, no restrictions, no culturally mandated lists of can/should and cannot/should not. I don't know how to do this, or if it is even possible; seems like it requires buy in from the other participant(s) of the dialogue/dialectic, and I don't have a lot of faith today that people want anything other than the comfortable, the known.

This isn't quite where I wanted to go, to end up, in this, but that certainly doesn't invalidate it. Journey, not just intended destination, and all that.

perspective

Today my office feels small, tight, and cramped. It's probably a metaphor from a different part of my mind that I haven't unravelled yet, that will evaporate once I get the point, but in the mean time... this can end any second, now.

(no subject)

I've been thinking a lot lately about locks, filters, intentionality, intended o(O)thers, openness, honesty and the original deal I made with myself about this medium, this space, this opportunity to be... maybe just to be. Would locking and/or filtering more change that deal, and haven't I gradually changed that deal anyway as I've slowly retreated into performative filters and deceptive crypticism, step by tiny step, anyway?

I don't have answers, yet, but I'm thinking it may be time to revisit the entire endeavour.

(no subject)

I still believe direct experience is clearly communicable. Maybe that's part of my problem; it's certainly the source of a lot of frustration I have with myself.