(no subject)

I realized this morning that pretty much every day for at least a month, as I turn off the interstate onto the state highway that takes me to work, I start feeling sad, upset; my stomach starts to churn, my temper shortens, and tears feel like they're just below the surface. Somehow, relatively recently, the people and the social situations they create and embody have started to feel overwhelmingly (though not exclusively) dangerous, even accidentally and with goodwill and intent, injurious. Contraction of self seems like the only option for safety, but comes at a cost. I sit, quietly, don't talk or joke with my co workers, keep my head down, my attention focused on my screen (where I peruse news and analysis so as to always have something to focus on, which probably doesn't really help my general outlook considering the state of the world), drawn in. Time passes painfully slowly, and if it weren't for the daily walk to and from lunch, I have serious doubts I could take it. I know that this is problematic, having noted it overtly now. Curiously, I worry that it's affecting my work more than I worry how it's affecting me, which strikes me as more than a little fucked up. I've identified a symptom; now all I need to do is track it back to a problem or problems, and then solve it. Should be easy.