Speaking to new therapist today, I realized I carry two seemingly contradictory ideas/stances with me whenever I'm around another person or people. The first is that I am small, weak, in danger, and always have to be tense enough to form up armor against the damage that will inevitably fall on me. The second is that I am very large, ungainly, built to a different scale and trying to interact with people who are 30-40% of my size, fragile, and completely unaware of the danger I could accidentally pose if I slip up for even a second (I call this feeling 'tissue paper world', and hate it).
We talked about family, pain, (mal)adaptive strategies and more pain. She asked if I had an idea of what it would look like if I were kinder to myself, and I had to answer that I honestly didn't know, but that even considering it felt dangerous.
I feel so incredibly messed up right about now.
