Listless

[adrienmundi]

It's a weird feeling, particularly in recent context. I'm almost starting to get used to feeling [good/happy/optimistic]; perhaps too much, too soon? Or it could well be the back end of relief from stress regarding the tiny one. Perhaps this is the (hopefully) temporary numbness of respite.

Fear: that this is my default state; that, sans external stimuli, I can only be so different from usual; that (awful, foolish, hopefully silly thought) friends will adore tiny one more than me (not that I think it's an either/or, rationally, or that it is an economy of scarcity, or that it's even a competition, but... she's a much more attractive, approachable, accessible package and I feel... ungainly, unseemly in comparison. For once, it is as though the world sees through my eyes, for both better and worse. And yes, I know I'm being irrational); that feeling good is unsustainable; that I cannot bring this goodness into my life at large; that, in being as impatient as I am, I will ruin a fragile chance by pushing too hard, too soon.

Comments

[scottopic.livejournal.com]

Such chances aren't as fragile as some may think.

[fairyhead.livejournal.com]

Dearest, you're mistaking my tendency to extend *lots* of invitations with adoration. I want to think that people like me, but your friends love you. You just have a hard time seeing that.

[adrienmundi]

In the (semi) light of day, all that looks kind of foolish; I appreciate the comment, and will have to defer to your expertise here.

[adrienmundi]

Maybe old insecurities are like annoying pets; they will demand to be noticed, demand attention sometimes, with no regard to situation or specifics. Suddenly I want to whack the fuzzy little bastards on their collective heads...

[scottopic.livejournal.com]

Ok, Ok - you can both go to the Prom with me!