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Apr. 11th, 2006 02:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiLately I feel like there are many attempts at communication, at transmissions of meaning, but I'm just missing it all somehow. I try, but I don't understand, and it makes me despair.
For probably a long time now, I've been very focused on trying to make things right, or more right, for myself. Sometimes, this can probably look like being blind to others, or at the very least not taking proper note. The intent has been to hopefully be able to make things right for others by making things right for myself first. I mean this more than the old Bobby Darin line, "You can't please anyone until you please yourself", though I suspect that's true as well. It's been far too easy to use proximity to others as something with which to beat myself because I'm uncertain of my own place in the world, amongst them. It's easy to dismiss relationships, or kindnesses or offers of aid, with things like, "Oh, sure, they like you now, but if/when there comes a social discomfort in knowing you publicly, it won't be there; don't count on them/know it's all contingent on not shaking the boat". That's not to intentionally diminish what people offer, but it's a mean spirited method of self doubt, if not actual self hatred. The problem is, I'm not sure it's working, this undertaking. I don't feel particularly close to knowing how to live, and I don't feel like I'm capable of exerting any force directly or efficiently, for myself or for others.
For probably a long time now, I've been very focused on trying to make things right, or more right, for myself. Sometimes, this can probably look like being blind to others, or at the very least not taking proper note. The intent has been to hopefully be able to make things right for others by making things right for myself first. I mean this more than the old Bobby Darin line, "You can't please anyone until you please yourself", though I suspect that's true as well. It's been far too easy to use proximity to others as something with which to beat myself because I'm uncertain of my own place in the world, amongst them. It's easy to dismiss relationships, or kindnesses or offers of aid, with things like, "Oh, sure, they like you now, but if/when there comes a social discomfort in knowing you publicly, it won't be there; don't count on them/know it's all contingent on not shaking the boat". That's not to intentionally diminish what people offer, but it's a mean spirited method of self doubt, if not actual self hatred. The problem is, I'm not sure it's working, this undertaking. I don't feel particularly close to knowing how to live, and I don't feel like I'm capable of exerting any force directly or efficiently, for myself or for others.
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no subject
Date: 2006-04-12 02:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-12 02:36 am (UTC)