adrienmundi (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
adrienmundi) wrote2006-04-13 09:19 am
adrienmundi) wrote2006-04-13 09:19 am
Entry tags:
Korpor
There's been a lot of talk lately in certain circles of the internet about bodies lately, specifically about food/denial/control, and about space/privilege. Both of these have been issues nagging at me for some time, so this is me digging a bit.
I don't think I ever really understood the pervasive messages about food and "denial" on a personal level until relatively recently. I've been one of the so-called lucky ones, always tall and thin (6'4", 165-175 for about twenty years); tied up with that has been a sort of dissociation of self, based around gender issues. I was never really inactive, or weak and sickly, but I think I might have been on the wrong side of lean (even though I've always eaten like crazy, despite my hypoglaecemia). With the onset of hormones, some of that started to change. Sure, I began to get breast development, but I started to not have a flat stomach for the first time in my life, and that freaked/freaks me out. Suddenly, all the messages about value and weight (I still weigh 175-180 or so; this is a sign of the crazy) hit me, and I worry, a lot, about being bad, or unattractive, for having a bit of a belly. It doesn't matter that I don't have a problem (quite the contrary!) with it on others. As fairyhead astutely puts it, I've stumbled into the bad parts of increased girliness.
As I mentioned before, I am hypoglaecemic, and I have a high metabolism. I have to eat a lot, spread throughout the day, or I suffer (as do those around me) pretty quickly. But, for the first time in my life, I've actually started thinking about denying myself food. I don't, because I can't, really; my body reminds me in no uncertain terms what it needs, and when it needs it. But it says something to me that the thought has even come up, about the toxic messages about acceptable bodies and the value assigned to them, for at least some people. I don't think I'm in a particularly vulnerable position just because I'm transgendered; I think most assigned women experience some of this all their lives. At best (worst?), it enters me through a different route, but I think the end result is the same.
Physical space and privilege is another issue, one that I curiously hadn't thought about in relation to gender (at least consciously) until recently. As a result of a useful discussion at feministe, I began thinking about how differently socialised "men" and "women" are about space, specifically social, public space. "Men", apparently, are supposed to take up/demand more space than they need; upon reflection, I can see this playing out in a lot of ways in a lot of circumstances. "Women", on the other hand, are supposed to take up/demand less, and to give way; observationally, this seems to bear out much of the time as well. What struck me as curious was that, while not consciously aware of this, I didn't usually take up "guyspace". I can remember having conversations about feeling like I'm always pulled in socially, tend to give way (unless I'm pissed off), and always apologize for even brushing up against someone else. I never really thought of it in terms of gender, which is really atypical for me, but instead thought of it in terms of power. I know, consciously, that the two are very interrelated, but didn't ground that in relation to my interaction with space and bodies. To me, it was about not being noticed, not drawing attention, and thus hopefully not becoming a target. Now, of course, it seems to all be of a piece.
I don't think I ever really understood the pervasive messages about food and "denial" on a personal level until relatively recently. I've been one of the so-called lucky ones, always tall and thin (6'4", 165-175 for about twenty years); tied up with that has been a sort of dissociation of self, based around gender issues. I was never really inactive, or weak and sickly, but I think I might have been on the wrong side of lean (even though I've always eaten like crazy, despite my hypoglaecemia). With the onset of hormones, some of that started to change. Sure, I began to get breast development, but I started to not have a flat stomach for the first time in my life, and that freaked/freaks me out. Suddenly, all the messages about value and weight (I still weigh 175-180 or so; this is a sign of the crazy) hit me, and I worry, a lot, about being bad, or unattractive, for having a bit of a belly. It doesn't matter that I don't have a problem (quite the contrary!) with it on others. As fairyhead astutely puts it, I've stumbled into the bad parts of increased girliness.
As I mentioned before, I am hypoglaecemic, and I have a high metabolism. I have to eat a lot, spread throughout the day, or I suffer (as do those around me) pretty quickly. But, for the first time in my life, I've actually started thinking about denying myself food. I don't, because I can't, really; my body reminds me in no uncertain terms what it needs, and when it needs it. But it says something to me that the thought has even come up, about the toxic messages about acceptable bodies and the value assigned to them, for at least some people. I don't think I'm in a particularly vulnerable position just because I'm transgendered; I think most assigned women experience some of this all their lives. At best (worst?), it enters me through a different route, but I think the end result is the same.
Physical space and privilege is another issue, one that I curiously hadn't thought about in relation to gender (at least consciously) until recently. As a result of a useful discussion at feministe, I began thinking about how differently socialised "men" and "women" are about space, specifically social, public space. "Men", apparently, are supposed to take up/demand more space than they need; upon reflection, I can see this playing out in a lot of ways in a lot of circumstances. "Women", on the other hand, are supposed to take up/demand less, and to give way; observationally, this seems to bear out much of the time as well. What struck me as curious was that, while not consciously aware of this, I didn't usually take up "guyspace". I can remember having conversations about feeling like I'm always pulled in socially, tend to give way (unless I'm pissed off), and always apologize for even brushing up against someone else. I never really thought of it in terms of gender, which is really atypical for me, but instead thought of it in terms of power. I know, consciously, that the two are very interrelated, but didn't ground that in relation to my interaction with space and bodies. To me, it was about not being noticed, not drawing attention, and thus hopefully not becoming a target. Now, of course, it seems to all be of a piece.