adrienmundi | (no subject)

One of the things I worry most about is my connection to shared reality, to convention that appears more or less natural to most. It feels like I'm missing something, some solidity or certainty on a lot of fronts, that things are loose and ephemeral for me where I get told they should be solid and fixed. Curiously, in situations in which fluidity, motion, shifting exists, is called for or even sought out, what do I do? I freak the fuck out and dig my fingernails in even deeper to the edges of convention, of the shreds of fake certainty I have. You'd think I'd be better equipped to let go because it's a place where I pretty much live (or at least on the outskirts of it), but I'm terrified that if I let go, I won't be able to come back, and that everyone else will get to go home to their solid lives with shiny gifts and unique experiences with which to adorn themselves, but I'll be lost in the flux.