adrienmundi (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
adrienmundi) wrote2006-03-21 12:55 pm
adrienmundi) wrote2006-03-21 12:55 pm
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As I continue to physically develop, I begin to worry more and more about the social world and how I will eventually fit, or be forced to fit, into it. It seems like all of my theoretical concerns are coming home to roost as practical concerns; I think I liked them more when they were just intellectual excercises. I simply don't understand why what is right for me personally is seemingly so socially impossible, outside of a very narrow circle of people.
Sure, it scares me; I expect it probably always will. But it confuses me a lot, too. I'm not terribly invested in the idea of passing as passing, but the practical aspects are getting more difficult to ignore, and as a consequence, more personally painful and frustrating. Because I refuse to by the package, and resist the incredibly sexist bases of much of it, I'll probably never look sufficiently "like a woman", which on one hand is just fine; I'm not a "woman", after all. But it's troubling to me that people look at me and automatically assume, for the nonce, that I'm a "man". In not much time, I anticipate, unless I work assiduously at stealth and deception, that they'll look at me and assume I'm a "man" who wants to be a "woman" (but isn't doing a very good job of it). Whatever happened to the idea of personhood? Is it wholly contingent on the either/or? Some degree of passing seems almost a social necessity, but it seems to cost a hell of a lot, particularly from my perspective.
I had more to say, but it's all blocked up now.Maybe later.
Sure, it scares me; I expect it probably always will. But it confuses me a lot, too. I'm not terribly invested in the idea of passing as passing, but the practical aspects are getting more difficult to ignore, and as a consequence, more personally painful and frustrating. Because I refuse to by the package, and resist the incredibly sexist bases of much of it, I'll probably never look sufficiently "like a woman", which on one hand is just fine; I'm not a "woman", after all. But it's troubling to me that people look at me and automatically assume, for the nonce, that I'm a "man". In not much time, I anticipate, unless I work assiduously at stealth and deception, that they'll look at me and assume I'm a "man" who wants to be a "woman" (but isn't doing a very good job of it). Whatever happened to the idea of personhood? Is it wholly contingent on the either/or? Some degree of passing seems almost a social necessity, but it seems to cost a hell of a lot, particularly from my perspective.
I had more to say, but it's all blocked up now.Maybe later.
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And I bet, even though the average walking-around person wouldn't have a conversation about the notion of "lack," that we still tend as a society to structure our images and understandings of others based on what we perceive them as desiring due to lack, and those lines of perception still fall not only on binaries, but on binaries that have, well, sex organs attached to them. (Er, weird mental picture). I'm not sure if this makes sense as I'm still a bit nap-addled, but here's to effort lol.
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