complication

[adrienmundi]

So I went out to dinner with maurose to a local bar/pub, which was really cool and pleasant. At one point, I looked up as one of the servers was passing by, just in time to catch her catching my eye and pointedly holding it as she walked past, a cruising move more obvious than I've usually noticed from most girls. The confusion to shock to amusement happened quick, and of course I instantly shared it with my companion, ending with what has become common: "Honey, I don't think I'm what you're looking for."

It's a nice joke, with a bit of distancing (some based on being very satisfied, some based on my perception of reality and "normalcy"), only... it's only partly a joke. Hell, even in my dreams and fantasies, there always comes a point of predisclosure, of explaining unexpected parts (from either of the dominant paradigms, which is some progress, I guess; it used to only be from one). I know I'm oversensitive to what I think others are thinking, and I know some people are up for working in whatever medium that calls to them. As I said, it's not like I'm looking, but... it makes the flirting a little less fun, a little less affirming, a little more... complicated. Sometimes, I get tired of being complicated.

Comments

[champignon.livejournal.com]

If it's not something that's going to go past the point of just flirtation... can you just play with it and have all the complications not matter, since the situation will not arise in which all the complications need be explained?

Just wondering. I myself am just getting to the point where I feel like I can flirt with people I'm not necessarily interested in having A Relationship with without feeling guilty about it.

I have complications, in a different way than you, but it still makes flirting kinda stressful because it's always, "At what point do I have to start explaining the details of this particular situation?" Too early and its weird and presumptuous. Too late and it can really piss someone off (I project). Easier just not to flirt. (But I'm trying to get over that...)

[adrienmundi]

I don't know. I try, and succeed sometimes more than others, but... it's not like the complications just are; they're a big part of me, the juxtaposition a reflection of conscious choice and deliberate effort. It's not that I'm a little bit of this, a little bit of that, but an organic, partially self created whole, who is only perceived as patchwork, and that perception is the danger. That, or worse, the assumption of a flavor of "normal" that feels very nonconsensual and partially erasing. I want it to be able to be fun and meaningless, damn it.

[champignon.livejournal.com]

*nods*

I want it to be able to be fun and meaningless, damn it.
Me too, damnit. Good luck.

[adrienmundi]

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