adrienmundi | *my* mirror reflects what it projects

my mirror reflects what it projects

My sweetie went to a party without me this past weekend (while I was away at an art show and later observing the interchangeability of goths), and because we are still googley about one another, spent some time talking about me to the crowd of new people. One of the first things she told me about it the next day was, "Person x was very envious that I was in a longterm relationship with a girl." This filled me with a sinking feeling of dread, because I'd met person x in passing once some time back. "That's only until she remembers who I am" I said, "Then she'll be all, 'oh, that guy?'"

I am so certain that everyone sees me as a guy, and that once they do, that's all they see, that it colors everything else about me. I'm so certain of this that I can only see in myself what I'm sure others' eyes are seeing, even when they're not present; I have nothing internal with which to resist this.

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you just are love!

I wish I knew how to feel that.

i feel the same way when people look at me now and they just assume i was always big
i wanna shake them and say "i swear to god, i was drop dead pretty one time!"

no matter what my friends think, reality fucks up the perception of strangers.

do you need to care about what people we don't care about think about us? why are their misguided opinions such a drain on us?

sometimes i just wanna hand people a card detailing that i am awesome and to not percieve me as they would at just first glance.

it sucks that our bodies are poor personifications of just how amazing we really are.

I think you're damned pretty now, just for the record.

It's good that you're noticing this. It happens to me, too. (although the fear is about things other than gender)

When I consistently get feedback from people that is the opposite of what I think they're seeing, it wants to teach me to extend the benefit of the doubt.

Sometimes I think that the whole myth of vampires not being seen in mirrors, is really just a metaphor for a lack of self-image. Other people *can* see a vampire's reflection in the mirror, but a vampire has a cognitive blind spot: the face in the mirror that they see reflected, doesn't really remind them of themselves.

When the inner life becomes large enough and invisible enough, it completely overshadows the oter life that's easily seen by others. At this point, you need a whole different scale of survival strategy.

It's something that I've been aware of for a long time, but I think the space between perceptual certainty and factual certainty wasn't as clear. I don't understand, though, how I can have enough of a sense of self to be so sure of what's wrong, and yet not have one clear enough to know what's right. It's maddening.

Sometimes I look at animals in "the wild" and I'm impressed by their lack of confusion, their un-selfconsciousness. Sure, they can still starve or be hit by a car, but they're not so distracted by their mental models of these calamities that they always go there.

This suggests something to me: if animals and plants evolved for this place in a natural way, what about humans? Specifically, what about *this* human?

From there, it's almost like a geometric proof. Assume that there is a hypothetical state-space in which I get to simply be, like a lilly in the valley. The difference between that world, and the one I find myself in, is not of my making. But I can give up a lot of guilt and confusion, blame and shame, if I assume the problem has got to have a solution. It may be a theorum that takes longer than my lifetime to spell out, but it *has* to be solvable, otherwise, there was never any point to life in the first place. (That nihlist assumption can't be disproven, but it's not a very interesting one, so assume it's wrong as a first principle.)

Even if I never get to see the final equation, others can still benefit after me, and there's really nothing more important to be doing. This defines the direction of my life, for as long as I can remember.

Wait...

You say it colors everything else about you?

Well wait a second.
Is it not possible for human beings to truly look at their fellow person and merely see "human", only to be altered by notions of attraction?

So many of my "guy" friends are very feminine, while many of my "chick" friends often are just "one of the guys" so to speak. I often see such an interchangability that it often seems to me that the only time there's every really much of a guage of differentiation is when I ask myself, "Am I attracted to this person in any way -- whether it be sexually, or just acknowledgment of beauty?"

I guess it's this viewpoint that has always made me feel sorta like, "Who cares which direction people are convinced? You're you." From a perspective of personal identity, I'm sure it's much more important - however to the public, perhaps importance is not gender identity but rather aesthetic?

No, I say I am certain it colors everything about me, and it's a perceptual certainty, not a factual one; I'm sure of it because I perceive it to be so, not because I know it to be so. It may seem like a small difference, but it seems like an important one.

Nice way of working 'aesthetic' into a point ;)

But, I think gender is invisible to most because they exist so fixedly situated within it that, to them, it's invisible, in a way I imagine fish aren't really aware of water the way we are.

First off? Yes... When I first wrote it, I even instinctively wrote

aesthetic instead of just the word. I changed it before finally making the comment... lol

SECONDLY...
I do see your point -- I guess I just wish I had a better answer, as well as wishing it didn't seem to agonize you so much... For whatever it's worth, I've always been quite fond of the water? heh

I guess I just wish I had a better answer, as well as wishing it didn't seem to agonize you so much... For whatever it's worth, I've always been quite fond of the water?

Thank you. That actually helped lighten things a bit.

*hums*
People aaare people so why should it beeeee...

Vince Clark Mafia, yo!

You seem to be assuming that Person X didn't actually remember you, which seems to be jumping to a very pessimistic conclusion. Making the lemonade back into a lemon?

It is possible. The point I meant to examine, though, was my certainty of perception, not my accuracy. It is this certainty that the colonial voices in my head encourage and exploit.

Ack! Meeting you was great, but I'm sorry for the misspoken "you look different" comment. I was thinking tall, but I think nerves got the better of me for a moment there. :(

No worries, I think I worked around to that. It was keen to meet you, too.

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my mirror reflects what it projects

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P.S. hehehehe

Re: P.S. hehehehe

Representin'...

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