dreams

[adrienmundi]

Not the sleeping kind. I think I'm having trouble with mine lately. I don't know, maybe dreams isn't the right word, but it's different than idea, much stronger and more meaningful, more foundational, than idea can encompass, at least in my head. There's something about imperatives, something about rightness, something about impatience and frustration, and increasingly, something about questionable possibility.

What do you do when your dreams might not be possible? How to you adjust, or can you? I think that's one of the reasons I feel so stuck, and increasingly hopeless; I don't see a way these ideas, dreams, imperatives that are so freaking core to me can maybe ever be realized, but they're still a huge, important part of me. I can't just turn my back on them, even if I thought it was possible. And I don't think I can cobble together some sort of fucked up compromise, because honestly, the world is bigger than I am and has no interest in compromising with me; any change would be on my part, and I desperately fear would reek of accommodation and surrender of things I'm not sure I can live without and still be me.

Where the fuck do these ideas come from, anyway? These unpopular, difficult, contrary to "reality" ideas, dreams, imperatives... How are they sustained? Upon what do they feed, when all messages are about impossibility or self erasure, about making deals with the world that feel like severing, selling or suppressing parts of self? I'm not one of those people who thrive on negation and opposition, honestly I'm not. I'm happiest when in harmony, when accord can be found; it just feels like that's increasingly rare.

I don't know that I can give up these dreams, and I don't know that I can accommodate their imperatives. I don't think I'm just being negative; I feel like I'm trying to assess things with a more practical eye, and seriously, the message is, over and over, that I have to either give in, or create levels of subterfuge and deception that must be maintained at all times, and I don't relish the idea of any of those possibilities. Should I automatically surrender or be crushed just because the world is bigger than me?

Oh, and happy coming out day, everybody.

Comments

[fairyhead.livejournal.com]

I see what you're saying and can understand why you think what you do, but I just cannot believe that these dreams exist in such a clear cut binary - the world or you. I know you want me to be able to to tell you why or how and I can't, but it just seems unreasonable that nothing else exists in a binary, but your relation to the world.

[adrienmundi]

The dreams have nothing to do with me vs. the world; they have little to do with the world at all, and that's kind of the problem. There's nothing about plans in them, nothing about hints or suggestions, just images, impressions and feelings that have a huge pull on me, that make me ache for there-ness that I've never experienced as here-ness.

It's not really a binary relationship, me and the world, but a relationship of size, scale and attention. Yeah, I make changes in my (very small, very local, very subtle) part of the world, and I think they make things better in small ways for (some) people, but the changes I've been able to make, the steps I've been able to take, don't really address the seeming impossibility of what is expected of me, of what I expect of myself, and I don't know that I can just give them up and be me, but not being able to move, to make what feels like progress, is grinding me down.