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Apr. 15th, 2003 01:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiI should be sleeping. Heck, I should be sleepy, but the drowsiness was evaporated by thinking. Lets’ see if I can make this as cogent, yet confusing, as it was in my head.
I am quite conflicted/confused with what I may want for myself, gender-wise, and what it may mean. I will begin with the things with which I am sure:
I think gender is constructed, not natural.
I think binary gender is painfully limiting
Despite anatomical sex, I am not a boy.
Despite a desire to be physically girlier, I cannot envision genital surgery for myself.
.
I think that’s all I know for sure; everything else is quite contested. ZB:
Does the desire to be not-boy lead to girl? Do I want it to?
Is my desire to be physically girlier based on aesthetic? On gender categories? Is it meaning-based on me alone, on social meaning, on something else?
Is the fact that I happen to find girl-type bodies attractive inform my desire for a girl-type body?
(do note that this isn’t exclusive attraction, nor do I define “girl” based on genital morphology)
It gets complicated very quickly, and isn’t really amenable to bullet-style presentation; David Mamet I’m not tonight.
I think I want more from the girl side from the boy side; ideally, anyway, that would be the case. However, there are morphological things that will make that more difficult for me, or at least more costly. That line of thinking opens the door to questions of superficiality, shallowness, confusing signifier for signified, the question of “passing” and at what cost (economic as well as personal/ideologically), usw. And if (repeat, if) I aspire to a default of more girlish than not, and if I manage to pull it off, what will it mean if I effectively “pass”? Will it undercut my theoretical foundations if I’ve just changed sides, for all practical purposes> (I have a great deal of difficulty accepting the total possible validity of T* folk who do “vanish” into the general population and yet still proclaim the injustices of binary gender construction; a bias of my own, I know. I suppose it would pass my own prejudiced standards if the hunky, muscular guy or hot, slinky chick made no secret that they used to have “other parts”).
I am quite concerned with social meaning, and the degree to which it informs my choices. I have been asked before that, if I lived apart from all of humanity, would I still want what I’m pursuing, and I feel pretty certain the answer is ‘yes’. And yet, I can’t seem to let myself off the hook on that one, because at least for a time, I have been a part of society, and I have been exposed to social meanings of physical appearance. Has that infected me somehow, such that it’s led me to this place? As much as I dwell on this, I can’t decide what it would mean, if this were so; what would I gain, in societal terms, for being more girl shaped than boy shaped, if I had no interaction? (Obviously, this line of questioning loses it’s meaning quickly, as I cannot live apart, and wouldn’t want to if I could).
Then, of course, it’s compounded by desire. That which I want to look like definitely falls within the bounds of that which will catch my eye, engage my attention, etc. Is this mere coincidence, or is this no accident? The problem with much of this thinking is that it feels as though I will likely never have definitive answers. In theory, this wouldn’t be a problem, as not being a Gnostic, I don’t think direct knowledge of much is possible. Unfortunately, it leaves me feeling vulnerable to the (potential, though it feels more like probable) questioning of others, as I assume the majority of others assume gender is both natural and binary.
Loosing steam, so this will mark an end for now. Apologies to those who note the repetition from earlier navel-gazings.
I am quite conflicted/confused with what I may want for myself, gender-wise, and what it may mean. I will begin with the things with which I am sure:
I think gender is constructed, not natural.
I think binary gender is painfully limiting
Despite anatomical sex, I am not a boy.
Despite a desire to be physically girlier, I cannot envision genital surgery for myself.
.
I think that’s all I know for sure; everything else is quite contested. ZB:
Does the desire to be not-boy lead to girl? Do I want it to?
Is my desire to be physically girlier based on aesthetic? On gender categories? Is it meaning-based on me alone, on social meaning, on something else?
Is the fact that I happen to find girl-type bodies attractive inform my desire for a girl-type body?
(do note that this isn’t exclusive attraction, nor do I define “girl” based on genital morphology)
It gets complicated very quickly, and isn’t really amenable to bullet-style presentation; David Mamet I’m not tonight.
I think I want more from the girl side from the boy side; ideally, anyway, that would be the case. However, there are morphological things that will make that more difficult for me, or at least more costly. That line of thinking opens the door to questions of superficiality, shallowness, confusing signifier for signified, the question of “passing” and at what cost (economic as well as personal/ideologically), usw. And if (repeat, if) I aspire to a default of more girlish than not, and if I manage to pull it off, what will it mean if I effectively “pass”? Will it undercut my theoretical foundations if I’ve just changed sides, for all practical purposes> (I have a great deal of difficulty accepting the total possible validity of T* folk who do “vanish” into the general population and yet still proclaim the injustices of binary gender construction; a bias of my own, I know. I suppose it would pass my own prejudiced standards if the hunky, muscular guy or hot, slinky chick made no secret that they used to have “other parts”).
I am quite concerned with social meaning, and the degree to which it informs my choices. I have been asked before that, if I lived apart from all of humanity, would I still want what I’m pursuing, and I feel pretty certain the answer is ‘yes’. And yet, I can’t seem to let myself off the hook on that one, because at least for a time, I have been a part of society, and I have been exposed to social meanings of physical appearance. Has that infected me somehow, such that it’s led me to this place? As much as I dwell on this, I can’t decide what it would mean, if this were so; what would I gain, in societal terms, for being more girl shaped than boy shaped, if I had no interaction? (Obviously, this line of questioning loses it’s meaning quickly, as I cannot live apart, and wouldn’t want to if I could).
Then, of course, it’s compounded by desire. That which I want to look like definitely falls within the bounds of that which will catch my eye, engage my attention, etc. Is this mere coincidence, or is this no accident? The problem with much of this thinking is that it feels as though I will likely never have definitive answers. In theory, this wouldn’t be a problem, as not being a Gnostic, I don’t think direct knowledge of much is possible. Unfortunately, it leaves me feeling vulnerable to the (potential, though it feels more like probable) questioning of others, as I assume the majority of others assume gender is both natural and binary.
Loosing steam, so this will mark an end for now. Apologies to those who note the repetition from earlier navel-gazings.
