I've been reading my way through the 3rd edition of the RPG Unknown Armies lately, and I keep running into frustration. I love the idea ("broken people trying to fix the world"), and the broad strokes concepts (avatars of archetypes, ritual and "chaos" magic, modern schools of reality bending), and the central notion that human belief and action can change everything...

But. The mechanical details have driven me crazy since a previous version, and it clicked for me today. Everything feels too tidy, too small, too contained, systemically, despite all the descriptive writing about how everything is up for grabs. My impression, for better or worse, is that this is a creative bit of game design for the writer, and from that perspective, it's pretty good (made it to a 3rd edition, after all). What it does not seem to be is an attempt reflect any given flavor of mystical/magical experience into collaborative storytelling form.

I'm drawn to this setting, this concept because (to mangle St Jeanette) the kind of stories we tell one another matter. Stories matter. I want to share some of my world with others, both in the general this-is-how-things-are-connected/this-means-more-than-you-might-think and in the more generally mystical experiences. I am very open with potential players that I want to plant my seeds in their heads, while hoping to have their seeds take root in mine. These rules aren't for that, I don't think. They're too small a container for what I hope to achieve.

Now to figure out if they can serve as a working foundation.I think the setting is redeemable; I think the cosmology will require some substantial change. I *think* I can work that into the narrative, if players will indulge me.

(It strikes me that I keep returning to this because I don't write, don't think I have the discipline to learn to write, and want a faster feedback loop than I think writing enables. It could be laziness and familiarity, too.)

I've never really paid attention to the idea of totemic animals or anything like that, tending to dismiss them as misappropriated concepts from indigenous cultures, wish fulfillment or the embodiment of longing for greater connection with the natural world, so I'm kind of ill prepared to face the daily interactions and I have with certain animals and the seeming significance of those interactions, namely crows and spiders.

Since I was a child, spiders have freaked me out. Up until the past five years or so, they've also been the only animal that consistently showed up in my dreams, almost always out of context of the rest of the dream. Due to some inspiration from a friend, I'm mostly over my spider issues. I speak to the ones I see (usually small), and feel protective of them most of the time. I don't quite understand what it's about, but I notice them a lot, and seem to have way more contact with them than I recall before, or hear others talk about.

Crows sort of thrust themselves into my awareness for the first time about seven years ago, then faded for about four or five years. In the recent past, I can't seem to go outside (at work, at home, in my neighborhood) without hearing their calls, which will often repeat until I locate them, make and hold eye contact for a moment. I'm starting to be able to identify the different sounds, and speak to them, too, when they're around. The connection there feels very different than with spiders; more conscious, more engaged, occasionally playful, almost like an extended social group (they are intelligent, social, tool using animals, so maybe I'm projecting, or responding to what I know of them). I feel like I get the crow connection more than the spider, even though I don't know what to do with either.

So I guess my questions start with: does this sound at all familiar to anyone? If so, are there resources any of you might recommend to get more information on this? I'm sure I'll have more questions as I go forward, so any information anyone has to offer would be greatly appreciated.