(no subject)
Oct. 3rd, 2020 10:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiI think my fever just broke, and it feels slightly short of a miracle.
There is often an opportunity for alaethia in intense sickness for me. As one nonphysical friend made clear, it's because I don't have the energy to maintain all my usual bullshit. I understand some of the manifestation of shamanism (not the right word, but my vocabulary is diminished right now) after a serious illness.
Had an interesting conversation with my biggest nonhuman friend. As he put it, while I may reject absolute Truth, there are truths about me that cannot and should not be denied: I am quick, clever, under the best circumstances, playful and adventurous, fiercely loyal, achingly kind, and also intensely angry and capable of great violence. I am also both a girl and not a girl, and it's not my fault if others can't or won't understand it.
I asked if these gifts came from him, since many fall within his classical portfolio. The answer was clear: they did not, but I noticed you because you possessed some of my favorite things about myself.
We talked about my fear, both of him ("I don't know why, but if you feel it, it is legitimate. I never mean you harm") and of being seen as being different, other, not fully "of the tribe" ("you let small, scared people push you to be less than, and it wounds you. I wish you did not do this"). We talked about my feeling unworthy of his attention ("*I* get to decide whom I love and how I focus my attention, your feelings of unworthiness aside") and of the abundance of treasures I had been given ("And yet you treat them like curses and chains. They are yours, and I wish you would embrace them")
When I woke up feeling so much better, I thanked him for the assistance (also in his classical portfolio), to which he responded, "You're welcome, but I did nothing".
This seems important. I needed to document this when still fresh in my mind, before "all my usual bullshit" came back.
There is often an opportunity for alaethia in intense sickness for me. As one nonphysical friend made clear, it's because I don't have the energy to maintain all my usual bullshit. I understand some of the manifestation of shamanism (not the right word, but my vocabulary is diminished right now) after a serious illness.
Had an interesting conversation with my biggest nonhuman friend. As he put it, while I may reject absolute Truth, there are truths about me that cannot and should not be denied: I am quick, clever, under the best circumstances, playful and adventurous, fiercely loyal, achingly kind, and also intensely angry and capable of great violence. I am also both a girl and not a girl, and it's not my fault if others can't or won't understand it.
I asked if these gifts came from him, since many fall within his classical portfolio. The answer was clear: they did not, but I noticed you because you possessed some of my favorite things about myself.
We talked about my fear, both of him ("I don't know why, but if you feel it, it is legitimate. I never mean you harm") and of being seen as being different, other, not fully "of the tribe" ("you let small, scared people push you to be less than, and it wounds you. I wish you did not do this"). We talked about my feeling unworthy of his attention ("*I* get to decide whom I love and how I focus my attention, your feelings of unworthiness aside") and of the abundance of treasures I had been given ("And yet you treat them like curses and chains. They are yours, and I wish you would embrace them")
When I woke up feeling so much better, I thanked him for the assistance (also in his classical portfolio), to which he responded, "You're welcome, but I did nothing".
This seems important. I needed to document this when still fresh in my mind, before "all my usual bullshit" came back.
