(no subject)

I am sad a lot lately. It feels like sadness based on a sense of distance, particularly distance from my self to others. Sometimes it feels like I have so much to offer, and yet I don’t. I hold back, afraid of revealing tantalizing bits that, if seized upon and followed back, could illuminate my dark, terrible wrongness, difference, a difference beyond funny hair and a different perspective: a deep, terrible wrongness, an otherness that is by definition so alien as to be threatening, so threatening as to be attacked out of hand.

It seems stupid, put that way, but that’s what it feels like from the inside. I am going through changes. Tiny, miniscule, unnoticeable changes, but changes nonetheless. Aside from my oh-so-much-better-than-I-deserve SO, I feel as though I have no one with whom to share either the specifics or fruits of these changes. There is a temptation to get angry with the society, the social currents which shape this construction that colonizes and penetrates me, but it’s in me, and getting angry at it really means getting angry with myself for being weak enough to bow under pressure. I aspire to the blissful confidence I see (or think I see) in others sometimes, that willingness to be oneself, unshakably oneself no matter the forces arrayed against one. I would like to be able to brush one off, to dismiss one as sadly misguided or just plain wrong, but I take it all personally, taking it internally, and reacting (or thinking) confrontationally. It is a matter of self preservation, self perpetuation, but I can’t help thinking that there has to be a better way.

I just want to be able to be whoever I happen to be with my friends, without fear of rebuke or rejection. Santa, are you paying attention?