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Feb. 18th, 2002 11:36 pmI tend to be very, very hard on myself. My assumption is that if I can't live up to my own standards and ideals, how can I expect another to do so? (On the more negative side, if I can't defend against myself, how can I defend against others?) This causes problems; the problem of attraction falls into that very easily, but I've touched on that previously, and probably will continue to do so from time to time until the issue is resolved.
When I'm feeling particularly honest, I realize that I tend to feel closer to my "girl" friends than my "boy" friends (labels applied in relation to mode of presentation and self-definition, to the limits of my knowledge and understanding of both. these may or may not coincide with the general definitions, but as a very wise one recently stated, language is to be implemented based on my usage). This bugs me, for much the same reason as the problem of attraction. It fills me with self-doubt; do I secretly belileve that there is some secret to 'notboyness' that they possess, that I may pick up by contagion? Or is it that I so dislike 'boyness' that I want nothing to do with it, ending up a de facto seperatist? Is my friendship informed by some level of attraction? The litany goes on and on; I'm pretty creative with my self flagellation.
I've had a shallow epiphany about that recently; I realized that my "girl" friends are much more emotionally accessible than my "boy" friends. My mind leaps to suggest (vehemently and loudly) that cultural construction has no doubt made this so, and offers as testament my own much practiced impenetrability (no, not like that. perv.) , though I tend to ascribe that as much to outsider status as to being raised in the "boy" tradition (the degree to which that was or was not successful is constantly reevaluted). The second guessing is mere nanoseconds behind that. Should I feel guilty that I'm drawn more to the accessible people? Shouldn't I strive towards more accessibility myself, to such an extent that the degree to which another is accessible is immaterial? Does the prevalance of a trend of emotional accessibility imply weakness/strenght, and am I reinforcing artificial categories by noting differences which are easily categorized?
I tend to feel less badly about this issue than the attraction, probably a reflection of ego and solipsism.
When I'm feeling particularly honest, I realize that I tend to feel closer to my "girl" friends than my "boy" friends (labels applied in relation to mode of presentation and self-definition, to the limits of my knowledge and understanding of both. these may or may not coincide with the general definitions, but as a very wise one recently stated, language is to be implemented based on my usage). This bugs me, for much the same reason as the problem of attraction. It fills me with self-doubt; do I secretly belileve that there is some secret to 'notboyness' that they possess, that I may pick up by contagion? Or is it that I so dislike 'boyness' that I want nothing to do with it, ending up a de facto seperatist? Is my friendship informed by some level of attraction? The litany goes on and on; I'm pretty creative with my self flagellation.
I've had a shallow epiphany about that recently; I realized that my "girl" friends are much more emotionally accessible than my "boy" friends. My mind leaps to suggest (vehemently and loudly) that cultural construction has no doubt made this so, and offers as testament my own much practiced impenetrability (no, not like that. perv.) , though I tend to ascribe that as much to outsider status as to being raised in the "boy" tradition (the degree to which that was or was not successful is constantly reevaluted). The second guessing is mere nanoseconds behind that. Should I feel guilty that I'm drawn more to the accessible people? Shouldn't I strive towards more accessibility myself, to such an extent that the degree to which another is accessible is immaterial? Does the prevalance of a trend of emotional accessibility imply weakness/strenght, and am I reinforcing artificial categories by noting differences which are easily categorized?
I tend to feel less badly about this issue than the attraction, probably a reflection of ego and solipsism.
