(no subject)

The tiny one is very fond of telling me how much harder I am on myself than on others; this is without a doubt true. Whenever this comes up, my initial response is always, "But of course I am"; somewhere in the chaos of my mind, it seems self evident and almost necessary that this is the case. There is a part of me that feels I know myself too well to let me get away with much, and also, that I know that of which I am capable, and only diligent standards will keep me on track to living up to my potential (has that ever been a good phrase, "living up to your potential?").

I'm certainly not this hard on others, even to whom I probably should be. There is a certain kindness to my gaze, a ready willingness to acknowledge the capacity for honest error, simple oversight, or just human foibles when it comes to other people. Of course, none of that applies to me; again, I feel priveleged with self knowledge, and apply it to myself most rigorously.

I'm not quite sure where I was going with that, but there was the need to get it down (even if the goal evaporated). Maybe it will look foolish to me if actually written out.

The Perils of Positionality

As usual, chatting with the kindly one (toying with the specific applicability of Alecto, but unsure if in my poststructural lack of context it would be insulting or misconstrued)is both an enlightening and humbling experience. Over the years, I've grown quite comfortable with the thought of being well-reasoned and consciously consistent; while sometimes surprising, it's not necessarily unwelcome to be shown that that is not always the case.

Of course, this references the tiny one (most conversations with said person either reference the tiny one, or the PoC; I suspect we share a similar obssession with the spectacular), in particular, my mental gymnastics in both considering her "outside" when (in)convenient, and "inside" when it will invalidate her opinion as other than my own. (I am amazed at both how stupid and unfair that looks when typed out)

Too, I have also been forced to come to terms recently with the (unnecessary) intimidation that the tiny one holds for me. It's an easy trap to fall into, though; the areas of overlap we have are large, indeed, but the areas of difference are also quite large, and she excels so seemingly effortlessly at things which boggle my mind (implementation, manifestation, organization, all things external, etc). It's not a big step for me to move from impressed->awe->intimidation.

The trick, then, is to turn this bit of mental gymnastics around; to see her as safe/inside with me where a differing perspective could be welcome, helpful, or validating, and to see her as outside, as an other, when it would be useful to register an opinion that could be discounted were it "inside" (here's hoping that makes sense). So, now that the "what" is at least starting to be obvious, the "how" comes into play. Anyone know where I can find a pair of polarity-reversible magnetic belts?