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New Resolve
Apr. 24th, 2002 10:51 amI have sort of made an almost mid-year resolution to myself, a continuation of my New Year's resolution to be more scrutable; I have resolved to work at rooting out useless and unnecessary constructs, as well as trying to develop my skills at nonverbal communication. This sounds all great, but these are areas in which I definitely need lots of work.
The former is daunting, but something I can easily sink my virtual teeth into; despite being dubbed Nemesis of Binarism by the kindly one, I tend to use broad definitional categories in a manner sort of like a Frankensteinian bastardization of Ockham's Razor and Xeno's Paradox. While I think I am usually pretty good at keeping in mind that these categories aren't absolute or fixed, I worry that over time, they accumulate inertia, making them effectively so in my mind, usually to my detriment, and sometimes the detriment of others. Even though it is in large part self serving, the parts that trouble me more are that I am unintentionally unkind to others by means of this bit of mental gymnastic. Apologies, to those.
The latter is much more difficult, I think. I feel that I have trouble enough communicating verbally, at least in any meaningful way (something to which the tiny one will certaily attest); it almost feels like taking on another project before one has finished the first. The strangely optimistic part of me counters with the idea that perhaps this is a language which will inform my verbal communications with an emotional depth and context that is generally lacking. Oh, but it's so damned tricky... That I never have been one who has ever engaged in "casual contact" makes even the smallest entry into that domain seem like quite the big deal, both to myself, and I suspect, to all who know me. (I have a similar take on the idea of dancing, but that's another topic) I have so many worries: that, in having no experience, I will unintentionally misrepresent myself; that the only context I know is that usually reserved for SOs (who are definitionally, if not historically always "safe", have been at least allowable subjects of contact); that I will become a junkie, and do much for a fix (alluding to a fear of sleaze); that my ineptitude will be misconstrued by others quite important to me; that it really is zero sum, and that by expanding things, I will take away from others.
Wow, I'm a lot more neurotic than even I think, sometimes. I *hate* it when I have what feels like normal neuroses; makes me feel so.... common.
The former is daunting, but something I can easily sink my virtual teeth into; despite being dubbed Nemesis of Binarism by the kindly one, I tend to use broad definitional categories in a manner sort of like a Frankensteinian bastardization of Ockham's Razor and Xeno's Paradox. While I think I am usually pretty good at keeping in mind that these categories aren't absolute or fixed, I worry that over time, they accumulate inertia, making them effectively so in my mind, usually to my detriment, and sometimes the detriment of others. Even though it is in large part self serving, the parts that trouble me more are that I am unintentionally unkind to others by means of this bit of mental gymnastic. Apologies, to those.
The latter is much more difficult, I think. I feel that I have trouble enough communicating verbally, at least in any meaningful way (something to which the tiny one will certaily attest); it almost feels like taking on another project before one has finished the first. The strangely optimistic part of me counters with the idea that perhaps this is a language which will inform my verbal communications with an emotional depth and context that is generally lacking. Oh, but it's so damned tricky... That I never have been one who has ever engaged in "casual contact" makes even the smallest entry into that domain seem like quite the big deal, both to myself, and I suspect, to all who know me. (I have a similar take on the idea of dancing, but that's another topic) I have so many worries: that, in having no experience, I will unintentionally misrepresent myself; that the only context I know is that usually reserved for SOs (who are definitionally, if not historically always "safe", have been at least allowable subjects of contact); that I will become a junkie, and do much for a fix (alluding to a fear of sleaze); that my ineptitude will be misconstrued by others quite important to me; that it really is zero sum, and that by expanding things, I will take away from others.
Wow, I'm a lot more neurotic than even I think, sometimes. I *hate* it when I have what feels like normal neuroses; makes me feel so.... common.
