surprise

Spent quite the pleasant afternoon with champignon yesterday. I had worried that a standoffishness and awkwardness that has historically seemed present would remain so, but it appears I was (thankfully) wrong about that. All hail the mediating power of the internet! Coffee, lunch with Nicotine (Warning: Continued Exposure May Lead to Addiction), off to stare at Munch paintings, then more coffee with kitties, stupid TV, and videos ("Wow, a naked girl!"), not to mention pleasant conversation all around.

Alas, at some point my brain rebelled, and the medication that keeps the migraines at bay seems to have some newer, unpleasant side effects. Still, not a bad day at all, even with the physical distress. Apologies to PoC and the kindly one if they went out looking for us later in the evening; (unsuccessful) attempts were made to inform of change in itenerary.

(no subject)

Social dynamics feel odd to me, sometimes. As Nicotine has commented before, I seem very distrustful of groups. This is true to such an extent that, sometimes even in groups with which I have warm feelings for most, if not all, of the members, I will still feel "group vs. me", as opposed to "A and X and Y and Z and...". This is probably one of the unnecessary constructions I'm trying to remove, but damned if it doesn't have a huge weight behind it.

There has been some movement, at least; in the past, GROUP has been a label applied to any number of people larger than three. Lately, at least, four seems a manageable number. I so hate linear development; I want to progress logarhithmically. At the risk of sounding annoyingly repetitive, I suspect that in large part, the sensation arises from the overused defense of attempting to read the expectations/perceptions of an/other and then selecting the least odious through which to manifest. Obviously, this gets harder in larger groups.

The simplest solution I can imagine is that of simply "being yourself", but I'm not quite sure what that self is. This doesn't stop it from being the advice I give to others, however. (As an aside, that makes me wonder if I don't give the issues others bring to me the same thought and consideration I give to my own.)

Concretization: recent dealings with champignon and the Carr, as well as well-documented dealings with PoC and the kindly one are becoming easier. Never (yet) as easy as I would like, but easier. (I suspect a large part of this is the creation of a contextuality that can survive at least a little more than solitary examination) However, add more, and the unpleasantly common feeling of "me vs. group" starts to creep back in; the sensation is very much like feeling on stage, performative.

There is surely a great deal in this for which one(s) with more facile minds than I possess at the moment upon which to sieze. Perhaps I'll get it, eventually.