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Jun. 9th, 2002 10:18 pmI suck at being, or at least expressing, emotion (unless you count frustration and scorn as emotions). I think this is really at the heart of why I tend to feel closer to my 'girl' friends than my 'boy' ones; 'girls' tend to be more enculturated to be more open and emotionally accessible, so much so that I can bridge the distance between my own reticence and suckiness and actually manage to connect. My apologies to the few 'boy' friends who've managed to put up with it for this long; I do strive to get better.
Interestingly, while it's a great relief to realize that it's not so much tied up in gender dynamics, per se, but rather a lack of emotional ability (or maybe just timidity) on my part, I don't feel as good at the revelation as I would have thought. Or, rather, I do, but it's mitigated by the feeling of personal (as opposed to ideological or structural)... not so much failure or flaw, but maybe... shortcoming? I still feel unfair, but it feels like something that I may well be able to overcome at some point, without necessarily having to change the world and everyone in it first. That should feel like a bigger shift than it does.
Interestingly, while it's a great relief to realize that it's not so much tied up in gender dynamics, per se, but rather a lack of emotional ability (or maybe just timidity) on my part, I don't feel as good at the revelation as I would have thought. Or, rather, I do, but it's mitigated by the feeling of personal (as opposed to ideological or structural)... not so much failure or flaw, but maybe... shortcoming? I still feel unfair, but it feels like something that I may well be able to overcome at some point, without necessarily having to change the world and everyone in it first. That should feel like a bigger shift than it does.
