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Aug. 17th, 2002 08:20 amWords and identity are still nagging at me. I'm not at all happy with what is offered to or forced upon me. I reject "man", and as a consequence, "boy", "he", "him", etc, feel disjunctive, uncomfortable, alien. I also reject "woman", yet curiously "girl", "she", "her", etc is not as unwelcome; this is probably for the simple reason that these words are not those forced upon me, and while still less than accurate, they're not those I have resisted for ages. I don't have useful alternative concepts, much less words with which to even dream of changing (and even if I did, I have small hope of being able to propagate new/different terms with the world at large, or small). I'm very tired of only being able to say "No, not this".
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I tend to keep most people at arm's length, both metaphorically and physically. This isn't something with which I'm happy, and I've been trying very hard to change. I feel as though I'm at the point where such a change can be implemented, or is at least possible, but of course, it doesn't feel that simple. I have a known history of being distant; it feels as though it would be a very big deal if I were to become more accessible, particularly more tactiley (probably not a word) so. I do not want to be seen as coquettish, desperate, or even remotely sleazy when the desire to grasp a hand, lean my head on a shoulder, etc. arises; in my mind, I intend it as a comfort to me, hopefully to the other, as well as a testament to a degree of trust and regard. I fear I don't have a social context for this (save for the blissful context and comfort I have with my sword (cheesy 80s musical reference I suspect none will get), for which I am ever so grateful).
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On a more mundane topic, I hate working for idiots. As egocentric as it may sound, I have slowly and reluctantly come to terms with the likelihood of working for those less intelligent, but it's quite another matter to have to adapt to working with the sub-median, particularly when they have no clue how sub-median they are. It is incredibly hard to hold myself, and my tongue, in check. Because of the most immediate idiot, I will be forced to miss the garden party of wiwiff and deadparrot today; my plans were changed less than 24 hours ago, when a new, "correct" schedule was implemented, despite the "old" schedule being posted for four days, in plain sight for everyone (yes, even idiots) to see. I so want to slaughter many, many cows and have a hell of a barbecue.
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I tend to keep most people at arm's length, both metaphorically and physically. This isn't something with which I'm happy, and I've been trying very hard to change. I feel as though I'm at the point where such a change can be implemented, or is at least possible, but of course, it doesn't feel that simple. I have a known history of being distant; it feels as though it would be a very big deal if I were to become more accessible, particularly more tactiley (probably not a word) so. I do not want to be seen as coquettish, desperate, or even remotely sleazy when the desire to grasp a hand, lean my head on a shoulder, etc. arises; in my mind, I intend it as a comfort to me, hopefully to the other, as well as a testament to a degree of trust and regard. I fear I don't have a social context for this (save for the blissful context and comfort I have with my sword (cheesy 80s musical reference I suspect none will get), for which I am ever so grateful).
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On a more mundane topic, I hate working for idiots. As egocentric as it may sound, I have slowly and reluctantly come to terms with the likelihood of working for those less intelligent, but it's quite another matter to have to adapt to working with the sub-median, particularly when they have no clue how sub-median they are. It is incredibly hard to hold myself, and my tongue, in check. Because of the most immediate idiot, I will be forced to miss the garden party of wiwiff and deadparrot today; my plans were changed less than 24 hours ago, when a new, "correct" schedule was implemented, despite the "old" schedule being posted for four days, in plain sight for everyone (yes, even idiots) to see. I so want to slaughter many, many cows and have a hell of a barbecue.
