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Okaeri nasai!
Aug. 26th, 2002 11:31 amA heartfelt welcome back to a certain wandering one. This part of the world seems much more as it should be with you back in it.
Aug. 26th, 2002
As I sit here, on the verge of an almost week of what should be a great opportunity to see people I don't see well enough, and to hopefully relax in odd but entertaining environments, I find myself angsty and worried. Dcon used to be fun; I would game, hang out with gamers, and be a huge geek. But several years ago, that stopped filling whatever need it once filled; I began to play for the challenge, and realized there wasn't much of one, and I wasn't getting the social fix, or at least the flavor of the fix, I wanted. So, I quit doing that at Dcon. I decided to make it an attempt to hang more socially with friends, but that feels often stressful (it could be the dynamic of certain individuals in groups, or divergent interests, or something else entirely). In short, the things I used to do aren't fun anymore, at least at Dcon, and I haven't found a new way of doing old things.
I digress. At recent Dcons, I've felt more and more extracontextual, which is bad. When I feel extracontextual, I feel as though I'm more susceptible to the expectations of others, and less able to defend against them. I end up feeling typed, constrained, and powerless to resist or change that, or the manifestation in which I feel constrained to respond and act as expected. (I'll admit to having a weird take on interpersonal power relationships.)
Too, this year more than any other, I'm more worried that the casual judgement of 'boy' and the dismissal that will bring, will be more apparent and more painful. If this is development, gimme more of that, please! Thank you, may I have another?
I guess this could be taken as a sign of growth, but I usually tend to think of the effects of growth as good, or beneficial. This is stressful, angsty, and worrisome.
Neighbor update: Hermes is settling in much more quickly than Lex, who still seems a bit itchy in the new digs, which is unexpected, as Hermes is usually so much more mobile and nonstatic. Soon, though, I anticipate harmony.
I digress. At recent Dcons, I've felt more and more extracontextual, which is bad. When I feel extracontextual, I feel as though I'm more susceptible to the expectations of others, and less able to defend against them. I end up feeling typed, constrained, and powerless to resist or change that, or the manifestation in which I feel constrained to respond and act as expected. (I'll admit to having a weird take on interpersonal power relationships.)
Too, this year more than any other, I'm more worried that the casual judgement of 'boy' and the dismissal that will bring, will be more apparent and more painful. If this is development, gimme more of that, please! Thank you, may I have another?
I guess this could be taken as a sign of growth, but I usually tend to think of the effects of growth as good, or beneficial. This is stressful, angsty, and worrisome.
Neighbor update: Hermes is settling in much more quickly than Lex, who still seems a bit itchy in the new digs, which is unexpected, as Hermes is usually so much more mobile and nonstatic. Soon, though, I anticipate harmony.