misapplied guilt

Last night I did the monthly getting all dolled up, but this time, it was a little different; I actually almost kinda maybe sorta thought I looked alright-to-good. (Fishnets, short skirt, terrifyingly tall boots, little halloween t, fake curves and obviously artificial black bob wig. Interestingly, I thought I looked better sans wig; more me, maybe.) The difference being that, I felt guilty, or like it was wrong somehow, to enjoy it.

It's easy to intellecualize, to realize that: I really haven't ever taken the opportunity to look/dress as I want; that it's a relatively newfound sense of freedom; that visual resonance would surely evoke something; etc. Still, it feels almost dangerous, that something meaningful and enjoyable can be taken away, or used against me (most likely by myself). I worry not only about being categorized, and therefor marginalized and dismissed, but also about Them being right.

Gah, I hate being neurotic; can't I just be either crazy or fixed?