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kinda bleh
Jan. 12th, 2003 09:40 amI am feeling just plain off today. Actually, I think it began last night, and has carried over. It's kinda tired, in that dreary, dull sort of way, kinda depressed in that mildly fatalistic sort of way, and probably kinda more that I haven't gotten a grip on yet.
I felt as though I simply could not connect with people last night, that slipping into any of the personae (official or not) that facilitate communication was just beyond my abilities. There seemed to be lots of tension going about, but it could have easily been projection on my part, being quite tense myself. I could not relax, I could not play, I could not seem to have fun. I remember thinking on multiple occasions, "I would so rather be out drinking with friends", but alas, that was not to be.
I'm a member of an other-gender mailing list (thanks Toby for reminding me of its existence) and a recent thread has me feeling just, well, fatalistic. The question was, "How do I remain intergendered (I use metagendered, because I have pretentious aspirations like that) without being erased/assigned meaning based on binary understanding of gender, etc?" The consensus seems to be that one can apparently only get a degree of flexibility if one crosses "the line" (surgery, full time "cross living") and then expresses a desire for other status, and that's just depressing. I know, I know, ideally it shouldn't matter what others think, but really, who out there is so secure that they can honestly say that? (Of course, I wonder if the running into that thread in my fertile state of Bleh made it extra bleak; it probably did).
So yeah, Sunday morning of coffee and bleh. I don't want to do anything, save maybe put my head on a friendly shoulder and think about crying.
I felt as though I simply could not connect with people last night, that slipping into any of the personae (official or not) that facilitate communication was just beyond my abilities. There seemed to be lots of tension going about, but it could have easily been projection on my part, being quite tense myself. I could not relax, I could not play, I could not seem to have fun. I remember thinking on multiple occasions, "I would so rather be out drinking with friends", but alas, that was not to be.
I'm a member of an other-gender mailing list (thanks Toby for reminding me of its existence) and a recent thread has me feeling just, well, fatalistic. The question was, "How do I remain intergendered (I use metagendered, because I have pretentious aspirations like that) without being erased/assigned meaning based on binary understanding of gender, etc?" The consensus seems to be that one can apparently only get a degree of flexibility if one crosses "the line" (surgery, full time "cross living") and then expresses a desire for other status, and that's just depressing. I know, I know, ideally it shouldn't matter what others think, but really, who out there is so secure that they can honestly say that? (Of course, I wonder if the running into that thread in my fertile state of Bleh made it extra bleak; it probably did).
So yeah, Sunday morning of coffee and bleh. I don't want to do anything, save maybe put my head on a friendly shoulder and think about crying.
