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Utility/power
Jan. 31st, 2003 09:58 amLately, especially after lots and lots of talk with the Pantheonic, it's becoming harder and harder to deny that I have available at my disposal a not inconsiderable amount of power. No matter how I might run from it, it's more persistent than even my shadow; if I try to ignore it, I may succeed, but others certainly still seem to note, and that gets all sorts of disjunctive. So, with a semi-resigned sigh, I'm going to try and turn and face it, and figure out what it is, how it works, and maybe even what to do with it.
I still have lots and lots of worry about worthiness; can I be trusted with power? For years, I think I managed to convince myself that all power I experienced (from the receiving end, of course) was coercive, that it did some degree of violence to me. I think (now) that that was way, way too simple. (Yes, yes, the Foucault quote you love so much) If power is definitionally coercive, why on earth would I want it? Wouldn't anyone wanting it be automatically suspect? Thus, I think that's part of my fear, that I still haven't fully extricated the idea of necessary coercion from power.
Too, I tend to trust my perceptions (I'm reluctant to call it insight; that seems too much) a great deal. Combine that with my impatience, and, as the smartest fairy I know has pointed out, it could get messy. She's absolutely right; power excercised upon others in the service of expediency, even with "good intentions", is probably a bad thing. But damn, I'm so impatient. I will watch myself on this (probably compulsively), but I will insist that all of you must call me on this if I miss it.
I will not have any power I may possess be used as an excuse to remove me from those I care about. I don't care if it's elevation, demotion, or exile, I just won't have it. I'm not sure what this power is, or what it's used for, but I know I will use it to fight tooth and nail to prevent that from happening. I'm tired of being "out there", and I don't want to go back, no matter how well intended the reason. I'll fight to stand right beside you, and I'm annoyingly stubborn in things like this.
Prevaricating faculties waking up; got to stop for now.
I still have lots and lots of worry about worthiness; can I be trusted with power? For years, I think I managed to convince myself that all power I experienced (from the receiving end, of course) was coercive, that it did some degree of violence to me. I think (now) that that was way, way too simple. (Yes, yes, the Foucault quote you love so much) If power is definitionally coercive, why on earth would I want it? Wouldn't anyone wanting it be automatically suspect? Thus, I think that's part of my fear, that I still haven't fully extricated the idea of necessary coercion from power.
Too, I tend to trust my perceptions (I'm reluctant to call it insight; that seems too much) a great deal. Combine that with my impatience, and, as the smartest fairy I know has pointed out, it could get messy. She's absolutely right; power excercised upon others in the service of expediency, even with "good intentions", is probably a bad thing. But damn, I'm so impatient. I will watch myself on this (probably compulsively), but I will insist that all of you must call me on this if I miss it.
I will not have any power I may possess be used as an excuse to remove me from those I care about. I don't care if it's elevation, demotion, or exile, I just won't have it. I'm not sure what this power is, or what it's used for, but I know I will use it to fight tooth and nail to prevent that from happening. I'm tired of being "out there", and I don't want to go back, no matter how well intended the reason. I'll fight to stand right beside you, and I'm annoyingly stubborn in things like this.
Prevaricating faculties waking up; got to stop for now.
