Ugh

I so hate being unwell (physically, though I'm less and less tolerant of being unwell mentally lately, as well). Particularly on a Saturday that I don't have to work, when it's sunny, warm, and beautiful outside, and all I can seem to do is nap, or semi-vegitate on the couch with the idiot box on. The upside is that I do get to spend time with my nearest dearest, who is surprisingly nonaccusatory about me infecting her with my viral disease.

I am tired of coughing, sniffling, and all the associated crap that comes along with this whatever it is. Hope everyone out there is doing better.

(no subject)

I've been working on the concept of 'responsibility' lately. Historically, it's something with which I have had a great deal of trouble. In some cases, I take on way more than I should; I need to remember that I don't control the birds (among other things), yet. I think I have also tended, at times, to not take responsibility for something that I perhaps should; I'm less clear on that one, as my awareness of it is relatively recent.

This comes to bear here in, to me, a curious way. Back when I was of the impression that less than five people read my journal, I'd write as things occured to me, as a means of trying to work through them, and maybe get a nudge or shove in the right direction. I think at the time, it was also largely internal issues with which I was dealing, so there was no real danger of offending anyone. Now, though, I'm quite aware sometimes at the readership I have (something more than five, at any rate). I worry about the effects my words might have on people, made more likely by my difficulty with conveying meaning and context such that what I'm really trying to say comes across (I guess, at least in some cases, I haven't mastered the skill of dodging/deflecting neurotic responses when trying to deliver meaning).

I think, as I come more and more out of my shell (or become more aware of not being in a shell), that the dealing with others makes me also more aware of my readership; I'm not sure it feels fair to talk about issues with others, even in my journal, when those others may read or come across them. I've toyed with filtering, but that seems somehow in contrast to the deal I made with myself; the goal is to be more scrutable, not encounter different levels of feelings of obligation. So, I'm still uncertain as to the path to take, and to what degree responsibility to myself balances perceived responsibility to others.

Any commentary is explicitly welcome.