(no subject)

Just back from seeing HWiPfI; it was frustrating today, though subject matter specific, rather than anything else. We talked a lot about the move from theoretical issues to actual, and the concommitiant move from theoretical fears and difficulties to actual ones. In case you didn't know, I'm way, way better at theory than actuality, or at least I like to think so.

I'm growing quite concerned about losing protective coloration, or possibly the ability to take cover in the herd. Don't get me wrong; I'm pretty pleased with the morphological changes taking place, but I'm not at all looking forward to the anticipated social effects they'll likely bring about. Specifically, it looks quite probable that, within about six months or so, it will become necessary to bind if I want to "pass" as a boy anymore (which, in theory, I don't). However, I have serious doubts as to my ability to "pass" as a girl. As well, the whole feeling of having to pass is offensive to me, but just because it offends me, it doesn't change. In a lot of cases, it feels like a safety issue. Ideally, I'd want the ability to change categories, if you will, as the mood takes me: today, boyish; tomorrow,girlish;day after, something else. Unfortunately, I don't think the world is ready for that kind of flexibility. Even more unfortunately, it seems like precisely that kind of flexibility is what I need. HWiPfI could only nod and affirm that yes, indeed, it sounds difficult and complicated, and that he had not heard of others aiming in the direction I intend to go, either.

Sigh. If it wasn't for this perverse need to interact with people, I could live as a hermit.

Caribou vignette

When purchasing my morning coffee, I remember thinking, "Wow, the barrista's eye shadow is really cool; it's the same color I see when I'm starting to hallucinate with a migraine!". She turned back around, just as a compliment was on my lips, and I realized that she wasn't wearing eyeshadow, and had normal flesh colored eyelids.

I'm seeing intermittent flashes of that same color (kind of a dusty violet, if anyone's interested). Not yet broken into worse hallucinations, so I remain hopeful.