manic pretense

I am tired of things in my head; I want them out. I'm tired of being on edge, on guard, policing myself, holding myself in check, of not having fun, of not having courage or conviction. I am tired of this.

I am tired of easily slipping into the roles others offer me, tired of blending in, tired of hiding in the pack when the pack doesn't really want me anyway. I want to renovate my mind, or maybe blow it out and start anew; why not my rules, my systems, my meanings? Really, why the fuck not?

The lure of the seedy underbelly, the subsistence subcultural niche hopping, the weird world in between what most people see or want to see, is usually there with me, but rarely realized. Immersion is kind of antithetical to restraint, but it's hard as hell to swim from the side of the pool.

So what do I want? What the fuck is it that I need? Maybe something that makes it impossible to hide (though there are moments in which I almost realize that I don't hide as well as I tend to think I do). It's not tribal affiliation I want; that comes with rules as well. I want a sign that says, "I don't do what THEY want me to/THEY can't have/don't want me anymore".

I want a mad orgy of creative genius, in which Banana Yoshimoto bangs the everliving hell out of Ted Naifeh and Tristan Crane, who're caught up in watching Grant Morrison blow Neil Gaiman like a dandelion, and I want it all to create some weird meme-baby that infects my corner of the world, or those I would have in my corner with me. I want to live in/create the nation of my heart, and offer membership capriciously and lovingly.

I want something more than I allow myself, and I need a way to find it.