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a shot at balance
Feb. 14th, 2005 11:55 amI complain here, a lot, about the difficulties I have with the world and those in it. I don't often talk about things that don't suck here... probably because I don't want to sound pollyanna-ish, insincere, or like a new age bliss ninny. Also, a lot of times, it kinda hurts to talk about the good stuff; it puts the not good stuff in sharper contrast.
It's important to report a clearer picture, I think. A lot of this (good) stuff I haven't wanted to recognize or acknowledged; why, I can't rightly say. But, I am slowly and painfully coming to realize that I really am an optimist, that I really do seemed geared to happiness, that I genuinely do expect and hope for the best from people, that being in the world, at base, does make me happy.
Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of applied interactions, issues, and learned responses that seem to distance me from a lot of that. In particular, and overwhelmingly more often than not out of ignorance, my dealings with people are less than perfect, affirming, or pleasant. As a way of protecting myself from this, I've learned to act as though everyone is potentially dangerous, particularly those that are close; it really doesn't affect the pain a bit knowing that they didn't intend any harm. This takes a toll on me, to turn against my basic outlook regarding people, to distrust rather than trust, but... I don't know how else to do it, and lucky me, I'm in a position in which damned near everyone inadvertently hurts me. I don't think "thick skin" is the answer, either, and I simply cannot imagine a life in which my sense of self is so self contained and self sustaining that it requires no external contact, so... yeah.
Well, this was meant to be a progress report of goodness, but, I guess the good and the bad are inextricably interconnected (I get so sick of those sorts of constructions and metaphors). But, I do know that there are good things in the world, in others, and I note them, and value them. As usual, I don't know how to reconcile the good and the bad, but that shoudln't surprise anyone who's been paying attention.
It's important to report a clearer picture, I think. A lot of this (good) stuff I haven't wanted to recognize or acknowledged; why, I can't rightly say. But, I am slowly and painfully coming to realize that I really am an optimist, that I really do seemed geared to happiness, that I genuinely do expect and hope for the best from people, that being in the world, at base, does make me happy.
Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of applied interactions, issues, and learned responses that seem to distance me from a lot of that. In particular, and overwhelmingly more often than not out of ignorance, my dealings with people are less than perfect, affirming, or pleasant. As a way of protecting myself from this, I've learned to act as though everyone is potentially dangerous, particularly those that are close; it really doesn't affect the pain a bit knowing that they didn't intend any harm. This takes a toll on me, to turn against my basic outlook regarding people, to distrust rather than trust, but... I don't know how else to do it, and lucky me, I'm in a position in which damned near everyone inadvertently hurts me. I don't think "thick skin" is the answer, either, and I simply cannot imagine a life in which my sense of self is so self contained and self sustaining that it requires no external contact, so... yeah.
Well, this was meant to be a progress report of goodness, but, I guess the good and the bad are inextricably interconnected (I get so sick of those sorts of constructions and metaphors). But, I do know that there are good things in the world, in others, and I note them, and value them. As usual, I don't know how to reconcile the good and the bad, but that shoudln't surprise anyone who's been paying attention.
