(no subject)

Snow on the branches through which the sun travels to see me every morning: what a glorious way to start the day.

(no subject)

I'm writing this in the hopes of getting it out of me, not to whine or moan. It might help if you thought of burning or devouring the words as they are read; then again, it may not.

I'm going away tomorrow on a business on a 22 hour business trip to Dallas, and it has me really kind of freaked out. I'm worried that I'll be able to do the work, that it will be appreciated, that it will be validating and satisfying, because that feels (or has tended to feel in the past, and I'm afraid it will continue on into the future and the present) like it's the bribe or pay off to being interpretted as a guy. I guess inherent in that is the fear that I'll be susceptible to that combination of pressure and payoff. It's easier, socially, to go along with what people know, to not become unintelligible by my insistence on my own personal truth or truths. I know I am very good at what they will be asking me to do (be accessible, confident, educational, and promoting a sense of security about our services), and these are things that do matter to me, that haven't really been validated in a work environment before, but... I worry that it's only accessible to me if I go along and let people assume I'm a guy, treat me like a guy, etc. I'm not "done" with myself; my customization, while unclear on specifics, will continue, or should continue, but... I worry about the potential stress between doing what I want and need to do for myself, internally, and doing what I need to get what I need socially, interactively. I've pushed off and forestalled too much of the former before for much less payoff than I'm being offered currently.

I'm not sure the internet makes a good crucible, but we'll see.

rooted in reality

Sometimes, dealing with people can just be good and comfortable and relaxing.