who said math wouldn't be useful in later life?

If the additive principle still holds, my crush on Tegan and Sara is more than OK.

(no subject)

If you buy the McClellan theory of needs (that people can be primarily defined by their need for acievement, power, or affiliation), I'm pretty well fucked. If I took satisfaction primarily from achievement, I'd have much more direct control over outcome. I could select tasks for which success would be more, rather than less, likely. I'd be in control of my own personal resources, leaving me in a situation of me against challenge: pretty straight forward. If I took satisfaction primarily from power, I'd have a clear goal, and would be able to plan steps necessary to hit that goal. But instead, for me the measure of good life is my relationship with others, and right off the bat, that means I have little or no control over this very important need; at best, I have maybe control of half of that, as I can't (and don't want to) control other people. That seems... skewed, somehow, that it's harder for me to get what I want, according to McClelland, than it is for would be achievers or powermongers. This feeling is compounded more and more lately, as I feel many of my social contacts withering. The place where I'm forced to scrounge for that need now is work, and that seems anemic.

Work seems to require both plausible deniability and willful ignorance to function, or at least to function in the way that seems both most common and the known default (which of course leads me to think of the security based rush towards the lowest common denominator). People don't seem to really want to be friends with coworkers, they just want to be friendly. It seems safer to know people by the jobs they do or are capable or willing to do (achievement) or the position and influence they hold (power). This often seems to leave me in a position of inequality; since getting along with people is important to me, it puts the pressure on me to accomodate, to bend. I guess I'm a bad affiliator, because that pisses me off, makes me resistant and resentful. If people chose to see others as human beings, much like themselves, goes my internal dialogue, then respect, if not actual kindness, would be much more common. The fact that it isn't seems almost an affront to me, on a daily basis. From my persepctive, it seems so simple that it can't be accidental that people don't do it; it has to be a choice. Add in my inexpressable, unreadable, possibly not understandable take on myself and my own identity, and even people who think they're being nice to me are hurtful and damaging. Idiot that I am, though, I don't think I'd switch to either the power or achievement paths; a life without people at the center of it seems... hollow to me. Maybe that makes me a sucker.

questions de celticmoni

1. What is your greatest joy in life?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but it has something to do with my connection to the world of not-people, like that huge swelling inside me threatens to erupt in happy tears when I see the sun rising on clear mornings, or step out to smell the fresh air first thing every day, or feel the wind swirl about me. Lately, I've begun to notice this when watching my sweetie at ease, too, which is awesome.

2. You mentioned once having a favorite tree. What is it about that tree that makes it your favorite?
Again with the hard to explain. It grows on the hill half way down our driveway, and overlooks the roof of the house from the sort of patio we have. Ever since I first saw it, something drew my gaze, my attention. One night, when coming home from a bar after dark, I glanced up to the top of the branches (something I didn't usually do at the time; looking up at the night sky when alone triggered a very deep, almost primal fear in me) and caught a glimpse of something I'd only ever seen once before: it looked like a small, humanoid, crouching (and my brain instantly supplies the name) "wood spirit". I got an impression that it had followed me over months and miles from my first encounter, and chose that tree to show me it knew me, noticed me. Since then, trees in general make me feel safer, but that tree remains my favorite. I'll touch it generally at least once a day, and something like joy kicks off every time.

3. If you were stranded on a desert island, with only the complete works of one writer for company, whose work would it be?
I probably wouldn't choose practically, like someone who wrote a gajillion books, because if they suck, it doesn't matter how many there are. Predictably, I'd probably choose Banana Yoshimoto. She has such a knack for showing you the beautiful idiosyncracies of life from the smallest fragment; holographically, they contain the whole world, and her perspective on it.

4. When was the last time you had a good fit of uncontrollable laughter? And what was so funny?
I can't remember exactly when, but it was laughing at my sweetie, who's just so adorable when she can't hold it in. I think it started with a silly impromptu wrestling match, and ended with me accidentally executing a spinal cracker when she squirmed the wrong way.

5. What would you say is your life's greatest accomplishment so far?
That I'm still here, and actually happier than I've ever been. I choose to believe that this is a sign of a progressive path.