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May. 19th, 2005 10:35 amNot even 11:00, and already things seem too much, or maybe too hard. It's probably a good thing I'll have insight provided this evening; I'm likely to be in need of it.
I promised the wind and the river that today was the day, but I'm feeling an immense sense of inertia. I have many hours between having lights shined in my eyes and insight, but I don't want to travel to Cobb for the river, even though that's where I experience it most directly. It's like I'm afraid of being overcome, and of being too close, in a nonphysical sense, to places that feel unwelcome, unwelcoming. I know I should go; a promise is a promise, after all, and I don't imagine sitting in my house would do anything positive for me instead. I'm curiously inert, today, which is probably reflective of a sense of being stuck, blocked on all sides; there is rarely a ding an sich in my world.
I've got to find something to do with my community envy. With as much pain and bitterness as I carry, I'm surrprised envy has room in me, but it does, and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere any time soon. I've got incredibly powerful, meaningful personal connections, but nothing to anything like a community (this could likely go back to familial alienation), and I can't escape the feeling that there's something I need there that I'm not getting otherwise. I could be inventing this, though; I have no experience from which to draw.
I promised the wind and the river that today was the day, but I'm feeling an immense sense of inertia. I have many hours between having lights shined in my eyes and insight, but I don't want to travel to Cobb for the river, even though that's where I experience it most directly. It's like I'm afraid of being overcome, and of being too close, in a nonphysical sense, to places that feel unwelcome, unwelcoming. I know I should go; a promise is a promise, after all, and I don't imagine sitting in my house would do anything positive for me instead. I'm curiously inert, today, which is probably reflective of a sense of being stuck, blocked on all sides; there is rarely a ding an sich in my world.
I've got to find something to do with my community envy. With as much pain and bitterness as I carry, I'm surrprised envy has room in me, but it does, and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere any time soon. I've got incredibly powerful, meaningful personal connections, but nothing to anything like a community (this could likely go back to familial alienation), and I can't escape the feeling that there's something I need there that I'm not getting otherwise. I could be inventing this, though; I have no experience from which to draw.
