well, fuck

15 minutes before my dentist's appointment to get my cracked tooth crowned, I got a call from the front desk, informing me that my insurance requires six months before they'll pay for major restorative services. Faced with the option of trying to wait two months, or pay $800 out of pocket, I naturally chose to try and wait. I hope I can last that long, and don't end up with hyperdeveloped jaw muscles on one side of my mouth as a consequence.

(no subject)

I saw a rabbit today. It was a cute, healthy brown spotted little thing, with tufts of white along its underbelly and tail. It stepped out of the underbrush just as I rounded the corner, and hopped along in front of me for maybe a good 30 seconds, around another bend, before stepping back into the underbrush.

I've been actually seeing wildlife, other than insects, for the past couple of weeks: a chipmunk, an iridescent blue lizard, a couple of robins. I'd heard them ever since I found the trail, but only recently have they started being able to be seen, at least by me. It may or may not be anything, but it makes me happier.

dissolution works on solitary subjects

There's something I get from people that I get more of, when somewhat dissolved. A power outage and a series of "accidents" (Zyka is closed on Mondays; the parking lot was full at Eats) led me to my favorite bar and a dinner of cider, book, solitude, connection (and a chicken sandwich). Even if it wasn't just for me, thank you.

As I am more myself, I can shift more easily, and connect efforlessly. Yeah, I'm a little cocky, but isn't it about time? The good, that of value, was/is very clear to my eyes, and I paid attention with enthusiasm; even those that sucked didn't suck completely.

We'll take the whole shebang
All or nothing, anything

This is why I love glam: the embrace of a hungry nihlism as the gateway to everything. If you're prepared to lose everything, you lose nothing, and gain it all.

Ecstasy's the birthright of our gang

No shit, and not just the chemical clenchy fun (which is really just a contemporary group ritual/initiation: the name isn't an accident, I don't think). Sometimes, it's fun to get kicked in the head, knocked down and off the path.

Free your heart of guilt and shame
Come and claim what's yours
The whole shebang

I get glimpses, sometimes, of powerfully happy messianic focus, selfish and selfish at once (and not just when altered). Maybe everyone from my Presbyterian minister therapist to fucked up friends and the misguided are right, but if I want it, I want it on my terms, and not just for me, but for all near, dear, and worthy.


I salt and pepper my mango

That always sounds liberationally raunchy to me. Um, want some help with that, maybe?

I am voracious and rapacious in my hunger for goodness, for quality, for things worth paying attention to, paying tribute to, and it's in everybody. I'm a predator of arete, which engages in the hunt with me regeneratively.

There's a world inside of me

Always. But sometimes, it leaks out, I open a bit, and carry a zone of betterness around me like brobdingnagian aura.

I am fucking connected tonight, to the world and everything in it, from crappy nuevo-Victorian fantasy to the star bellied sneech of a waitress to the Buckhead bimbos to every scent on the wet, warm air, to the asphalt beneath my tires, to the confused overcompensatory drivers who can't help but smile at me at the stoplight. I shift gears, phorically and metaphorically, quickly, easily, effortlessly.

I am a doorway to something else, and maybe, just maybe, I can sometimes pass through myself.

Fuck, yeah.