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Ugh, it's hard to write about this, probably because it's hard to face this kinda stuff head on.
I hate shopping for clothing. Not, "oh, I think it's tedious but I'm hyperbolizing", but more like "Oh, god, there's no way for this not to suck, a lot". There's been a very narrow range of what I usually wear that falls along the minimalist/safe/slack line, but that's not really satisying. Plus, practical reasons are pushing me along; there's a lot, um, more of me in some places than there used to be.
Work needs are the worst. Technically, we're a business casual environment, with slightly more emphasis on casual than business. This means usually jeans and not t-shirts (if they think you have a penis). I don't have, or like, most 'dress' type shirts, and I fucking hate golf shirts (I can't seperate signifier and signified in my mind on that one). Plus, it being 90+ lately, none of that is particularly comfortable, particularly considering the more-ness of me that I absolutely have to wear something under shirts these days. While I know this is only a tiny, tiny part of a larger system of inequity (all of which I oppose, loudly and where possible, violently), it's hard not to see those presumed to have vaginas in the sleeveless, the t-shirt plus, or the short, light skirts and wonder why some people can break dress code, and others can't (even though, yes, I know part of the answer). In terms of comfort, practicality, and equity, all of this makes me crazy, and cranky, and avoidant. It's coming up, though, on the unavoidable; I need new clothes (actually, I've needed them for months), but I don't know how to do it without either being complicit in being overwritten, or becoming a target for my transgression.
Plus, it's summer. Even casually, it's too fucking hot for jeans and boots. Recently, I've certainly noticed that what was once unisex, or at least having unisex options, are now rigidly coded: shorts. Really, one of the only benefits of being as tall as I am is having really long legs, but if I wear boy shorts, in all their shapeless, baggy, knee length glory, that's lost. If I wear girl shorts, I'm suddenly confronted with the perils of passing; even though I don't really give a fuck about that, it sure as hell seems like everyone else does, and honestly, I'm not strong or indifferent enough to ignore all of that.
Then, there's swimming. I love swimming, the water, all of it, but I haven't been in over two years. That my body isn't shaped like it's supposed to be shaped is hard to miss in aquatic contexts. Plus, it takes me right back to the complicity/target issue, even assuming I could be successfully complicit, at this point. A loud, rebellious part of me screams inside that none of this should matter, that the borderlessness and individual freedom should trump all, and in theory, I wholeheartedly agree. In practice, I have grave reservations, and all too many social forces seem to reinforce that. Hell, even if I were brave or stoic enough, I feel like I can't even shop for not-boy items without feeling suspect. There's a(nother?) part of me that has this crazy idea that clothing can be fun, be expressive and sometimes even playful, but I don't know where I got such an idea, since my experience has tended to be anything but.
I hate all of this; it makes me feel weak, and like I'm trying to fight a battle I can never win.
I hate shopping for clothing. Not, "oh, I think it's tedious but I'm hyperbolizing", but more like "Oh, god, there's no way for this not to suck, a lot". There's been a very narrow range of what I usually wear that falls along the minimalist/safe/slack line, but that's not really satisying. Plus, practical reasons are pushing me along; there's a lot, um, more of me in some places than there used to be.
Work needs are the worst. Technically, we're a business casual environment, with slightly more emphasis on casual than business. This means usually jeans and not t-shirts (if they think you have a penis). I don't have, or like, most 'dress' type shirts, and I fucking hate golf shirts (I can't seperate signifier and signified in my mind on that one). Plus, it being 90+ lately, none of that is particularly comfortable, particularly considering the more-ness of me that I absolutely have to wear something under shirts these days. While I know this is only a tiny, tiny part of a larger system of inequity (all of which I oppose, loudly and where possible, violently), it's hard not to see those presumed to have vaginas in the sleeveless, the t-shirt plus, or the short, light skirts and wonder why some people can break dress code, and others can't (even though, yes, I know part of the answer). In terms of comfort, practicality, and equity, all of this makes me crazy, and cranky, and avoidant. It's coming up, though, on the unavoidable; I need new clothes (actually, I've needed them for months), but I don't know how to do it without either being complicit in being overwritten, or becoming a target for my transgression.
Plus, it's summer. Even casually, it's too fucking hot for jeans and boots. Recently, I've certainly noticed that what was once unisex, or at least having unisex options, are now rigidly coded: shorts. Really, one of the only benefits of being as tall as I am is having really long legs, but if I wear boy shorts, in all their shapeless, baggy, knee length glory, that's lost. If I wear girl shorts, I'm suddenly confronted with the perils of passing; even though I don't really give a fuck about that, it sure as hell seems like everyone else does, and honestly, I'm not strong or indifferent enough to ignore all of that.
Then, there's swimming. I love swimming, the water, all of it, but I haven't been in over two years. That my body isn't shaped like it's supposed to be shaped is hard to miss in aquatic contexts. Plus, it takes me right back to the complicity/target issue, even assuming I could be successfully complicit, at this point. A loud, rebellious part of me screams inside that none of this should matter, that the borderlessness and individual freedom should trump all, and in theory, I wholeheartedly agree. In practice, I have grave reservations, and all too many social forces seem to reinforce that. Hell, even if I were brave or stoic enough, I feel like I can't even shop for not-boy items without feeling suspect. There's a(nother?) part of me that has this crazy idea that clothing can be fun, be expressive and sometimes even playful, but I don't know where I got such an idea, since my experience has tended to be anything but.
I hate all of this; it makes me feel weak, and like I'm trying to fight a battle I can never win.
