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Jul. 12th, 2005 01:18 pmI've been trying hard lately to openly root my theoretical issues in my own life. To a certain extent, there's always been a connection; I don't create problems, responses, aversions or deflections out of nothing. But it hasn't been very clear to others, this connection. Combining that with my own tendency when stressed to keep pulling further and further out from specifics and talking more in language of a certain flavor of academia often leads to very frustrating conversations in which I end up feeling attacked or invalidated, and I suspect others don't understand why I'm upset, much less the vehemence of my responses (or sometimes even my responses themselves). I know I have used intellectualization as a tool to distance myself from things that were just too much, as well. I don't think that serves me much any more, assuming it ever did.
This is connected to me trying to be more honest here. All too often I frame things abstractly, cryptically, or in a symbolic language mostly my own, in an attempt to relieve some pressure without putting myself at risk. It isn't communicative, that's for certain, and it breaks the deal I made with myself about lj in spirit, if not in letter (the deal was to be honest, to put things out in the world). I'm torn about what to reveal, what to discuss, and how. I worry about the what feels like inevitable assignment of labels (crazy, delusional, transsexual, wrong, in denial, ad nauseum), about not being able to dodge, deflect, or jettison them if they become attached to me. I want to be free to speak, write, think openly, as well as be free to change and grow, and I worry that being more open puts that at risk. It's ironic, because not being open has taken me nowhere near as far as I need or want to go.
Maybe I need to seriously consider what it is I want out of this. I don't want public accolades and cheering throngs, but I don't want to write only for myself. I don't want to court controversy, or to write just to see my words out there. I want to communicate something, but what, and to whom?
And still, the compulsion to write, and to be more honest, more open, won't go away.
This is connected to me trying to be more honest here. All too often I frame things abstractly, cryptically, or in a symbolic language mostly my own, in an attempt to relieve some pressure without putting myself at risk. It isn't communicative, that's for certain, and it breaks the deal I made with myself about lj in spirit, if not in letter (the deal was to be honest, to put things out in the world). I'm torn about what to reveal, what to discuss, and how. I worry about the what feels like inevitable assignment of labels (crazy, delusional, transsexual, wrong, in denial, ad nauseum), about not being able to dodge, deflect, or jettison them if they become attached to me. I want to be free to speak, write, think openly, as well as be free to change and grow, and I worry that being more open puts that at risk. It's ironic, because not being open has taken me nowhere near as far as I need or want to go.
Maybe I need to seriously consider what it is I want out of this. I don't want public accolades and cheering throngs, but I don't want to write only for myself. I don't want to court controversy, or to write just to see my words out there. I want to communicate something, but what, and to whom?
And still, the compulsion to write, and to be more honest, more open, won't go away.
