speech and contextuality

I have a confession of sorts to make; I tend to pick up speech patterns, inflections, and sometimes accents from people with whom I interact. Most of the time, I'm not aware of it when it starts, and only become aware of it when I catch how I've just said something and instantly start worrying that people will think I'm either mocking them, or painfully pretentious (the former is much more worrisome than the latter).

Last night, I spent time in the company of someone I've noticed who's speech pattern I tend to adopt fairly quickly and easily. Luckily, lack of context prevents much of my mocking fear to pop up; for all this person knows, that's how I normally speak. What worries me, I guess, more than anything, is that I kind of like the hybridization inspired by this specific person.

I don't think it's much of a secret that I struggle with expression in general, and have been struggling to hit a more comfortable feeling voice/speech groove in specific. It's certainly not the stereotypical upper range forcedness of all too many penis bearing gendery folks that I want; if anything, I want access to my deeper, richer registers, but without flatness, with more expression and range and variation. There are rare (often solvent-enhanced) moments in which I hear the rich, warm golden sounds passing my lips and think, "yeah, that's it...", but they don't come as often as I'd like. So what's the problem, you may ask (really, you may)? It's that I worry I may be subconsciously, or even consciously, lifting someone else's pattern wholesale, and not digging into my own. I don't necessarily think that's a 100% valid fear; I tend to stretch some vowels, hold some longer syllables, and even lilt up and down a little on my own, when relaxed or at ease, but... I guess ultimately, I'm suspicious of the ease of finding a comfortable pitch and rythmn with such simple contextual changes, and to date, only in response to this one person's manner of speaking.

Yeah, I'm neurotic.

standard post insight post

I know I've changed a lot in recent years, substantively. I'm happy daily; that's overwhelmingly important for me to remember. It makes me hungrier, impatient for more, as though every new taste carries with it the promise of something new, something richer.

I have theoretical knowledge, lots of it, where it feels like I need practical knowledge. I am beginning to gather practical knowledge where I have strenuously avoided acquiring theoretical knowledge. I am weak where I want to be strong, and finding I am strong in places I didn't think mattered. I try to trust that all of this will come together, but some days that's harder than others.

Gender still pisses me off, as conventionally defined, bounded, and enforced. It makes me want to scream "What the hell is wrong with you people?", but that would only lead to confusion.

Tonight's question is, "When will it be OK for you to have things other people don't?" I honestly don't know. I do know that if I have something of value, my first impulse is to want to share it. Maybe the challenge is to find people who are interested in what I have to share.

eureka!

I think I've discovered my career path.

I need to be a singer in a glam band.


(yeah, I know I don't sing, and have no stage presence, but still....)