(no subject)

Images: something about doors opening (in my chest?), and light spilling out. A serpentine dragon, deep blue, flying/corkscrewing up a deep blue-red tube with a dark blue spiral on the inside of the surface, flying right at me, like it saw me. Feeling/seeing connections to people as a three dimensional model, almost like the spring/ball atom models from high school chemistry, but solid, potentially mobile, and dynamic. I think there were things sent, but if so, I've no clear idea what, and to whom.

There's something about working outside that is good for me, really good, that's way more than endorphins. I opened the windows to let the cool air in for the first time in weeks, and the sounds and smell of the evening. I slept better than I have in ages. Everything just feels on. I need to do that more often, and find a way to share it.

(no subject)

It's hard to work this out, but here goes nothing. More and more lately, I've started to recognize the damage I do around me, that seems almost a part of being alive. I feel (foolishly?) apologetic when I break a spiderweb, or when I trim tree branches, or see the haze of pollution in the sky when I'm driving into work. There seems to be a price for being alive that is extracted from others, that I'm not sure others have consented to, or have the opportunity to consent to. It's making me slightly paranoid, lately; I walk in the woods with one eye to the ground (so as not to step on insects) and one eye upwards (so as not to disturb spiderwebs), all the while feeling the pull to notice the larger surroundings, and sometimes not being able to because of the attention being paid to details. This is true, to (hopefully) lesser degrees, in my interactions with people, as well. I'm not sure how to strike a balance, here, how to sufficiently minimize my negative impact on the world around me. I try to reduce my footprint, but how much is enough? I honestly don't know, and I worry that if I continue down this train of thought full speed, the only possible destination is Crazytown, with intermittent stops to NoFunsville along the way.

looking for help

This is aimed at those of you out there who play games. In recent years, I seem to have lost my connection to what games used to give me, for a variety of reasons, and now I'm not sure I can see it any more. I think I miss it. So, if you don't mind, why do you play games? What do you get out of it? What does it do for you? I don't anticipate right or wrong answers, I just want to mine the insights of others for my own ends, to try to get some of that back.