whining

I'm exhausted. My head hurts, my throat hurts, my eyes burn, my stomach is knotted, and I'm having a hard time focusing on more than one thing at a time, and sometimes even that's challenging. Grief keeps jumping me unawares, knocking me to my knees with deep sobs that only last a few seconds and then are gone. I slept strangely, in stages (11:20-1:40, 1:40-3:45, 3:45-5:10), and had a very detailed, strange dream on the last one that I might transcribe later. I don't want to be at work, I don't want to be home; I don't want to see people and I don't want to be alone.

between 3:45 and 5:10 AM

It started off fuzzy: I was in a big, rambling house with people I knew (but don't know in waking life) at the tail end of a large "normal" social event. People were trailing away, and I met a little goth girl there who was literally so pale that her skin was white, and her hair (and most of her clothing) solid black, almost like a black and white comic panel, but everything else was in normal color. We talked, and I think she gave me a comic book that she thought I would like. It seemed odd, but a neat, nice sort of odd.

Then the social thing sort of broke up, and I ended up tagging along with someone I had apparently met there (another black and white gothy type). We were going to meet some people, presumably the short goth girl and others, for some sort of gathering that I expected to be small and informal, if not spontaneous. We entered a kind of cluttered, disorganized comic and game store (it was closed), and I remember being a little disappointed. The guy I was with explained that the girl owned it with her husband, which made me realize I was attracted to her, and very disappointed. My guide then explained that they were seperated and divorcing at which point I felt a surge of hope and, um, other things. My guide then told me not to worry, that the store was just the front, and that the real space was behind the store. We exited the back, and stepped into a very stylish, all black gallery/salon area. There was art on the walls (colors were normal, vivid), comfortable, stylish seating arranged, sort of lounge/bar-esque, open cabinets of drink, etc. People were slowly trickling in, and once a critical mass was reached, it struck me that they were all black and white, too, and that this was a regular gathering full of pretty, pale people who liked each other and weren't drama whores. At some point I lost my guide (I think he went off to schmooze and garner attention of some pretty person), and I wandered around looking at the art, the people, the layout. There was a sense of it being a sleek obsidian plaza, or Roman villa: U-shaped, with a seperate building freestanding in the center. At first I couldn't figure out what to do with my hands while I walked. Eventually I ended up locking them behind my back, like I tend to do at museums, and felt very comfortable. About this time, I became aware that I was black and white, too, and wearing black pants and a bulky (fake fur lined/collared, heavy and at times uncomfortably hot) and no shirt. With my hands locked behind my back, I would shrug it off my shoulders or back up, depending on my temperature.

As more and more really pretty people seemed to populate the place (almost like suddenly appearing or popping in), I felt like in the crowd I saw myself, and recognized me, even though I was wearing very red lipstick, which made a stark contrast against the black/white of hair/skin. The other me was topless for a second, and then clad in a top made of black horizontal straps, the contrast of which made me realize the other me was notably more busty than I am/was. We made eye contact and recognized one another, and I went on touring about while that me remained engaged in conversation with a couple of gothy-goths.

I stepped out into the plaza and was approaching the freestanding building, and suddenly heard/remembered my guide telling me I probably didn't want to go in there, as that area reflected the host goth girl's interest in snakes. I opened the door and saw a mass of five(?) snakes on a limb, and retreated, wondering how my guide knew I didn't like snakes. I wandered into the other long wing of the plaza/villa, looking at the very rich, colorful art, and then back outside (for some reason I avoided the connecting hallway; maybe it was living quarters?), at which point I paused and decided to enter the other end of the "snake house". Again, I heard my guide's voice, saying she also liked doggies (not dogs), and saw that that part of the building was set up like a canine hostel/recovery area, where dogs (curiously, I mistyped that as 'gods' three times) were very happy and appreciative.

I went back into the long wing (south? the store was to the north , but I think we walked past the north wing and the animal house at first, and began in the south), where I met the goth girl. I thanked her for the comic, we talked warmly, and she gave me the other four in the series. There was definitely a sense of something going on between us that we were enjoying, and didn't want to rush. I may have kissed her, but I don't fully remember.


Of note was how all the white-skinned (alabaster white) people looked, sort of a cross between some of Tristan Crane's stuff, some of Matt Wagner's more stylized work crossed with maybe a little bit of grown up, prettier Jack Spicer from Xaolin Showdown. There was a casual, unthinking elegance without decadence going on; I remember thinking how vibrant and sustaining whatever culture it was I had stepped into felt. I'm not sure why ordinal positions seem important, but I definitely know what direction things are/were when thinking about it.

I've no solid idea what any of this means, so anyone who wants to is free to take a shot at analysis.