(no subject)

Saturday afternoon, I heard a bird say to me, "Let it go! Let it go!" When asked, it wouldn't tell me what "it" was, but just repeated one last time, "Let it go!"

I think I need oracular tuning.

expanding on the baseball glove analogy

[Caveat the first: I'm not into sports, so I really don't know why the metaphor of a kid with a baseball glove seems so strong to me. Maybe it has to do with a degree of childishness, in both good and bad aspects? Caveat the second: I worry, a lot, about sounding crazy or uncredible, and the temptation to lock this is very pronounced, but that would break the deal I have with myself, so...]


It's only in the past couple of years or so that I feel like I've begun to make some peace with things I've been fighing most of my life, specifically the idea that reality is neatly ordered, in a material positivistic way (That's not to suggest I've a newer, better order of things, just that I'm learning to maybe enjoy the fuzzy edges and multiplicities). Over time, I feel like my cautious flirtations have gotten stronger, but they've never been something to which I was committted, intentionally so; I have been ready to disavow, cut and run at a moment's notice, until recently.

The first time I set foot into the Spring 4th club space, it felt... different (and no, I wasn't under the influence of anything yet at that point). Some of the decor seemed a little off from the generally Goa feel of the other stuff, and one of my compatriots mentioned that he thought OTO folks used the space sometime. As the evening passed I began to fall under the influence, my favorite part of which is the usual "falling away" of so much of the denial, detritus of other peoples' worldviews, etc; I tend to experience it as a dissolving/unfolding/opening/unlocking, and it's a very usual thing for me.

One of the neater things about the coming to terms process for me has been a way to localize/contextualize feelings. Generally when I get to that loose/unburdened place, I focus on a circle of potential/entry (sorry for all the slash constructions; I can't seem to get away from them) either at the base of my neck (smaller, more reliable) or in line with the lowest part of my shoulders (larger, stronger, more erratic), both along my spine. I felt for it, the big circle was available, I let things grow/coil a bit, and then reached out to see what was there, and if I could interact with it. The first response was, "Whoa, there's definitely something here!" followed by the image of a freestanding solid colored door in a white doorframe, behind the dj booth in the far corner. As I paid greater attention, I noticed it didn't have a doorknob, but it wasn't a passive doorway, either; I remember saying (probably repeatedly), "There's a door here, and it doesn't care if people notice it; it's not going to open". As I fell further under the influence, it got harder and harder to ignore the urge to worry it, which only frustrated me more. I eventually had to go outside, where I could take solace with my usual non-person friends (it was unseasonably warm, and the wind was active), but even there, I noted a clear distinction between inside and out, with no blurring between them.

That's stayed on my mind for almost two months as I tried to process what happened, and what it meant. It took me until last week, walking under the sun and trees. My mind was on something else entirely, and I was taking advice from one of my other girlfriends, when suddenly the image of Spring 4th popped into my head, and the idea "I'm not the only kid on the block with (cool nameless toy X)", which kind of made me laugh indulgently at myself. With that thought, it felt like I not only fully acknowledged my experiences (such as they are), but also claimed them by acknowledging that other people in all likelihood had similar or related experiences. I'm starting to wonder if the baseball metaphor might not have something to do with being a new kid, and feeling like maybe there's a game out there somewhere.