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May. 17th, 2006 02:39 pmA lot of the time, I feel like I'm caught between living as though the life I want is actually possible, and living against a kind of life I hate (primarily because it feels as though it makes the life I want impossible). It's a stark, hopefully artificial landscape of sharp edges and very dark shadows for which I don't much care.
There are standing offers to try and assist in helping me create a microcosmic instance of the former, offers I've always appreciated (often in a bittersweet way) but rebuffed. My usual response is that I don't want to create a ghetto for myself, a strictly bounded place under whose conditions alone can I take comfort, relax, try to simply be. I imagine it often appears knee-jerk reaction, but there is a fair amount of thought that goes into it. Assuming that it was successful (an assumption I'm loathe to make casually), I'm afraid that it would only underscore the differences between the larger world through which I must move and the pain it causes me, potentially increasing the perception of pain if not the pain itself.
Another reason I resist is that I'm not sure it's possible. The human world at large (a clunky label, but one I hope conveys... something) is insidious; I strongly suspect everyone carries much unexamined, unknown parasitical baggage with them at all times, at times dormant, at times incredibly active, and that these hangers-on would impede microcosmic creation. Initially, it has been easiest to cast these doubts onto others, such that despite their intentions, nothing could come of them. A more honest response is that the presence of these parasites in my own self makes me doubt.
"Colonization" comes up a lot when I think about this, and I don't think it's overreaching, or even necessarily simple metaphor. When I complain about there not being linguistic, ideological or cultural room for me, I'm talking about fighting the manifestations in my own head, primarily (though not exclusively by any means). If I can't rid myself of these things, how can I hope for others to be able to do it?
[More likely later: work makes its demands]
There are standing offers to try and assist in helping me create a microcosmic instance of the former, offers I've always appreciated (often in a bittersweet way) but rebuffed. My usual response is that I don't want to create a ghetto for myself, a strictly bounded place under whose conditions alone can I take comfort, relax, try to simply be. I imagine it often appears knee-jerk reaction, but there is a fair amount of thought that goes into it. Assuming that it was successful (an assumption I'm loathe to make casually), I'm afraid that it would only underscore the differences between the larger world through which I must move and the pain it causes me, potentially increasing the perception of pain if not the pain itself.
Another reason I resist is that I'm not sure it's possible. The human world at large (a clunky label, but one I hope conveys... something) is insidious; I strongly suspect everyone carries much unexamined, unknown parasitical baggage with them at all times, at times dormant, at times incredibly active, and that these hangers-on would impede microcosmic creation. Initially, it has been easiest to cast these doubts onto others, such that despite their intentions, nothing could come of them. A more honest response is that the presence of these parasites in my own self makes me doubt.
"Colonization" comes up a lot when I think about this, and I don't think it's overreaching, or even necessarily simple metaphor. When I complain about there not being linguistic, ideological or cultural room for me, I'm talking about fighting the manifestations in my own head, primarily (though not exclusively by any means). If I can't rid myself of these things, how can I hope for others to be able to do it?
[More likely later: work makes its demands]
