what a way...

More dreams about family last night: at least this time I'm creeping back into the land of dreams that make sense to me.

My mom was marrying again, and my new current stepfather had a sprawling house in the northern suburbs that was very accidental Queen Anne/House of Leaves style: many twists, rooms with lots of doors, and a kind of creepy feel, even though you could see neighbors houses just outside. Early on my cool cousin was there with me (apparently we were both there to visit at the same time). When we were trying to make sleeping arrangements, my new barely teen step brother referenced a tent outside; viewed from his old room, I could see it had collapsed. To my surprise, my cousin chose the tent, and I ended up in my new stepbrother's old room (a new room was built/appeared for him). I remember getting up at night and seeing the tent was sturdy and dry, in spite of the rain. When searching for a bathroom, I kept losing and regaining vision, having to feel my way around for a bit, and eventually ending up in a small, cramped secondary kitchen where there was ... someone else. I remember I found their presence comforting, as the twists and turns in a creepy house at night with unreliable vision was getting to me.

Then it was morning, and the house was a bustle. I remember I was trying to boot up a laptop to get directions to my old work, only to have my new current stepfather come in (looking for some piece of clothing, I think) and tell me there was no good way to get to my old work, that it was going to take a while, and good luck.

I stepped into another room, where everyone was gathered. With dismay, I noted that my sister was there, already trying to ingratiate herself into the new family structure like a fat, stupid parasite. I realized I had a new stepsister, who looked creepily like Dakota Fanning and who was taken with me. As she talked to me, saying she wanted me to help her have "girl eyelashes, like you", I realized I still had makeup on from the night before (?) as well as a few small, silver bhindi at my hairline. I frowned as I began pulling them off, and was going to offer them to my stepsister, but each one had something weird about them that prevented reapplication. I frowned as I realized this, and my stepsister started backpedalling, talking in atypically adult fashion about how she wasn't saying I was a girl, just that I had girl eyelashes, and...

At that point, my stupid sister called out to me in my old name, clearly intent on showing off for my new stepbrother. Without thinking, I yelled at her to shut the fuck up, at which point my mom freaked out, saying that there was a child present. My stepsister ignored all of that, and went on with her disavowal, and I ignored my mother and sister. My mom came back with new current stepfather and said they were going to have to keep (stepsister's name, which I can't remember) away from me and my sister, since we couldn't control ourselves.


Crap-o, but it looks like my subconscious really wants me to have a talk with my family.

'Ugh' isn't strong enough.

the "natural" in natural rights

Are natural rights predicated on the concept of "natural", on some construction of "nature" to reflect a given social order, or set of assumptions reinforcing it?

There's yet another study suggesting that maybe, just maybe, sexual orientation is a function of "nature" (it is worth noting that no statistics or methodology are referenced, just the shocking, essentialist conclusion). Rachel Neumann at Alternet uses this as a springboard to call for an end to homophobia, which in itself is something I'm behind, but the basis of her argument kind of bugs me. A lot.

First, what the hell is wrong with choice? Sure, no one acts in a vacuum; I get that. No one is an uninfluenced, fully rational actor, no matter the circumstances. But I think there's more than an acknowledgdment of contingency at work here, and in other defenses of difference in humans as a result of "nature", not "choice". Somehow, "natural" has come to mean magically OK, or at the very least, beyond the control of the person in question, making it therefore wrong to discriminate against them (which is crazy, as people are discriminated against all the time for things beyond their control). "Choice", somehow, is dangerous because, I suspect, it calls into question tacit normative values; if homosexual behavior is a choice, doesn't it beg the question about heterosexual behavior? Somehow, it seems like the presumptively "normal" heterosexual majority is distinctly uncomfortable with that idea.

What really surprises me is when members of put upon groups are so quick to take up the "it's not our fault" banner. To me, choice is agency, and even if contingent and limited, I'll take agency over powerlessness any day. From my own perspective, I personally resist the idea that my own gender variance is biological or determined, and that I'm therefore not responsible for it, just as I resist similar arguments based on my attractions. I fight like hell to be an agent; why would I want to be a subject?