ugh

Last night, things felt good: looser, more free, even words seemed easier. It was nice, even if it was the side effect of no longer feeling like shit due to allergies. In that interstitial place between being awake and asleep, the thought popped into my head, 'I used to have femmier dreams for myself'.

This morning, I woke to blah. After feeding the mewling babies, I realized I was thinking that the changes to my body used to excite me, fill me with a sense of positive potential, but now they don't. I think I tend to not focus on them much, because it brings into hypersharp focus the lines I'm charging towards, as well as the growing insufficiency I feel with my interactions with people outside the real friend level; that the two issues overlap is not lost on me.

I'm dealing with my extended nuclear family this weekend, and it fills me with dread. Probably because this stuff is heavily on my mind, and because it feels like I have so little to lose at this point, I actually found myself typing the below to my mother:

There's a reason I tend to avoid family, and it's because it's often injurious to me, even if unintentionally. The unconscious, but unquestioned, sexism, sexist assumptions, and gender essentialism affect me strikingly, but I feel mute to confront them, because that would mean exposing myself as the 'different one', and quite frankly, I'm really tired of that position; I don't want to trigger off condescending exceptionalism, but expect that's probably one of the best things I can anticipate. There's an especially toxic atmosphere of "boys/girls are just like that" between my sister and step sister, and that invariably gets me assigned as a 'guy' when I speak out against it. This is much more than theoretical to me; it hits me where I live.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm hoping for severed ties, or for the half assed attempts that will probably suck, but for which everyone will expect credit and validation for all the exceptional effort they'll make on my behalf. Still, I feel like I can't just walk away without trying.

Ugh.

(no subject)

What I want to say is:

"It was in your house I learned I had to hide, that I learned to expect naked disapproval instead of acceptance. Others have done impressive work in this area, but it is your shoulders upon which they all stand."

What I should probably say is:

"Do you want things to continue as they are, or do you want to work to try to make them better?"

What seems unavoidable is the fact that I've got to do something.

and also...

There was mock-jovial discussion at work about one of my (presumptively male) coworkers being "one of the girls". The classic geekboy who tossed off this verbal brilliance finished up with, "Say what you will about me, but at least I'm gender correct."

How the fuck do you even begin to confront all the problems with that?

I hate the emerging culture of my company.

31

I wish you didn't feel the need to punish yourself, and I wish even more that you didn't feel the need to punish others when punishing yourself wasn't enough. I sincerely hope you're better and on the road to happiness, but frankly I can't get close enough myself to check.