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This almost feels like cheating, but I'm doing it anyway. You mark an important turning point, a conscious act to explore and share important decisions, and the decision to include me in that. That compelled me to an honesty I'd avoided before, and pushed me into a way of communication validating my own perspective and voice by their open reception. You've given me more of myself, and I aim to do the same for you.
Nov. 15th, 2006
(no subject)
Nov. 15th, 2006 10:09 pmIt's become pretty clear to me this week that I'm about at the point of having to figure out how to deal with my bodily changes, my idea of my own gender, and how I interact with the world. In less than a month shifting from oral to intramuscular delivery, there are definite, visible changes. Quite bluntly, my boobs are getting bigger.
This opens a big can of worms for me. I don't want to be a guy or man, and I don't think I ever did, but that's how I'm perceived most of the time. I've developed coping strategies that, while largely insufficient, render interactions possible while at the same time granting me just a little room for ambiguity and slack. It's not enough, but it's something. I think I'm also pretty sure I don't want to be a woman, but that's the only "other" option imaginable for most, for much of what I want (and am getting), but as anyone who's been paying attention will know, there's an expectation for transgression to be validated if it's to be accepted, or even acceptable. I don't want that, but I have no control over it.
This about passing, I think, but also not at all about passing. I don't want clear assignment, the validation of my either/or state, but I do want what all that gets people: interactability. It's not important that I be read as a woman; it's important that I be read as me. The sad point is, most people aren't interested in me, they're interested in the quick, easy categorization that seems to precede any possibility of social contact.
I don't think I'm someone who gets off on trangression as such. I'm not out to shock others, to offend or draw attention just by my presence; I just want to be able to live, which for me includes a fair amount of social contact. I feel like I always come back to this point, the point where it feels like I'm limited by the perceptual lexicon of others, but I don't know how to get around it, or if it's even possible. I don't want to make passing my life's work, because it's not, but I don't think I can live as a constantly visible Frankensteinian amalgam or monster, because monsters never really get the social contact I need and want, and there aren't enough of them to sustain me. I can't explain the self-erasing dread I feel at the prospect of always being the 'guy with breasts' or 'that poor transsexual who can't pass' as default settings, but I don't know how to share my multi-hued palette with others who only know black and white.
So, I continue to take my hormones, continue to watch my development with pleasant amazement while simultaneously worrying about and ignoring the falling piano just around the corner, in the hopes that maybe Loony Tunes physics will apply if I play the part.
This opens a big can of worms for me. I don't want to be a guy or man, and I don't think I ever did, but that's how I'm perceived most of the time. I've developed coping strategies that, while largely insufficient, render interactions possible while at the same time granting me just a little room for ambiguity and slack. It's not enough, but it's something. I think I'm also pretty sure I don't want to be a woman, but that's the only "other" option imaginable for most, for much of what I want (and am getting), but as anyone who's been paying attention will know, there's an expectation for transgression to be validated if it's to be accepted, or even acceptable. I don't want that, but I have no control over it.
This about passing, I think, but also not at all about passing. I don't want clear assignment, the validation of my either/or state, but I do want what all that gets people: interactability. It's not important that I be read as a woman; it's important that I be read as me. The sad point is, most people aren't interested in me, they're interested in the quick, easy categorization that seems to precede any possibility of social contact.
I don't think I'm someone who gets off on trangression as such. I'm not out to shock others, to offend or draw attention just by my presence; I just want to be able to live, which for me includes a fair amount of social contact. I feel like I always come back to this point, the point where it feels like I'm limited by the perceptual lexicon of others, but I don't know how to get around it, or if it's even possible. I don't want to make passing my life's work, because it's not, but I don't think I can live as a constantly visible Frankensteinian amalgam or monster, because monsters never really get the social contact I need and want, and there aren't enough of them to sustain me. I can't explain the self-erasing dread I feel at the prospect of always being the 'guy with breasts' or 'that poor transsexual who can't pass' as default settings, but I don't know how to share my multi-hued palette with others who only know black and white.
So, I continue to take my hormones, continue to watch my development with pleasant amazement while simultaneously worrying about and ignoring the falling piano just around the corner, in the hopes that maybe Loony Tunes physics will apply if I play the part.
