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Apr. 11th, 2007
knowing muscle
Apr. 11th, 2007 05:34 pmIf I had to thematize the last several years, one of the ways I could do it would be around the idea of knowing. Several sharp, metaphorical blows to the head convinced me that there are other ways of knowing than intellect, and that I had better start listening to them, trying to integrate them into my life; the 'or else' hung just out of sight. I won't say this saved my life, but I think it did make the life I'm living possible.
This knowing has moved me in interesting directions over all, taken me places I didn't ever intend or count on going. In a lot of ways, I'm happier than I ever would have imagined. I've developed muscles I didn't know I had, whose use is a daily pleasure. And yet... areas in which the use of this musculature would seem to be most needed, it's curiously lacking, and that confuses and frustrates me.
I think gender is social, interactive; I don't think it's much in play in isolation. When I'm alone, or with my cats, or my... others, it's not an issue, I don't think. Sure, there are things I'd like to change about myself, am changing to some degree, but that's not the same thing. This ties in to concepts put forth by ineffabelle, that of Sanity A and Sanity B. If I recall correctly, Sanity A is the ability interact with the world around you as it really is; Sanity B is the ability to be in line with consensus reality. I think I'm pretty well screwed on regards to Sanity B (though ineffabelle maintains this probably strengthens Sanity A).
Ding an Sich ('thing in itself', not the awful goth band) is an idea that tends to linger in a distant orbit around my mind a lot lately. My gut reaction is to dismiss the idea of 'really is', because I'm not sure there is such a thing as objective reality, practically speaking. Subjectivity is all we have, but if you make friends with it, I think it's all you'll ever need and more. However, knowing makes this a little trickier, at least on the surface. There seems to be a tendency to assign absolute truth to things that present themselves in ways that can't be ignored, but I think that's a bad habit that's been culturally ingrained (at least it is in me). What I can say, I think, is that some things are undeniably true from within my subjective perception. That feels right, at least for now, and gives me the space to try and feel out the meaning and implications of this direct knowledge.
The problem is when this hits the social, the interactive world. Acceptance of social things 'as they are' has always, and remains, a huge fucking issue and point of resistance for me. Obviously this ties into gender in big, painful ways, but it's not the only place. There seems to be a difference in the 'an sich' in social realms that feels like complacency or the personal absolution from responsibility or the need to take action, a giving up of power that I'm not OK with. It definitely doesn't help that consensus reality feels artificially flattened and narrowed when compared with the field of available possibilities, but... what's actually possible if no one will acknowledged it? I don't know that there is an elegant way to come to terms with 'things as they are' socially for me, which makes this whole gender mess that I've been in for ages seem like a notable hole in an expanding life. If I've got this knowing muscle, why the fuck can't I apply it here?
Grrr, I've lost the ability to write directly, damn it. Enough.
This knowing has moved me in interesting directions over all, taken me places I didn't ever intend or count on going. In a lot of ways, I'm happier than I ever would have imagined. I've developed muscles I didn't know I had, whose use is a daily pleasure. And yet... areas in which the use of this musculature would seem to be most needed, it's curiously lacking, and that confuses and frustrates me.
I think gender is social, interactive; I don't think it's much in play in isolation. When I'm alone, or with my cats, or my... others, it's not an issue, I don't think. Sure, there are things I'd like to change about myself, am changing to some degree, but that's not the same thing. This ties in to concepts put forth by ineffabelle, that of Sanity A and Sanity B. If I recall correctly, Sanity A is the ability interact with the world around you as it really is; Sanity B is the ability to be in line with consensus reality. I think I'm pretty well screwed on regards to Sanity B (though ineffabelle maintains this probably strengthens Sanity A).
Ding an Sich ('thing in itself', not the awful goth band) is an idea that tends to linger in a distant orbit around my mind a lot lately. My gut reaction is to dismiss the idea of 'really is', because I'm not sure there is such a thing as objective reality, practically speaking. Subjectivity is all we have, but if you make friends with it, I think it's all you'll ever need and more. However, knowing makes this a little trickier, at least on the surface. There seems to be a tendency to assign absolute truth to things that present themselves in ways that can't be ignored, but I think that's a bad habit that's been culturally ingrained (at least it is in me). What I can say, I think, is that some things are undeniably true from within my subjective perception. That feels right, at least for now, and gives me the space to try and feel out the meaning and implications of this direct knowledge.
The problem is when this hits the social, the interactive world. Acceptance of social things 'as they are' has always, and remains, a huge fucking issue and point of resistance for me. Obviously this ties into gender in big, painful ways, but it's not the only place. There seems to be a difference in the 'an sich' in social realms that feels like complacency or the personal absolution from responsibility or the need to take action, a giving up of power that I'm not OK with. It definitely doesn't help that consensus reality feels artificially flattened and narrowed when compared with the field of available possibilities, but... what's actually possible if no one will acknowledged it? I don't know that there is an elegant way to come to terms with 'things as they are' socially for me, which makes this whole gender mess that I've been in for ages seem like a notable hole in an expanding life. If I've got this knowing muscle, why the fuck can't I apply it here?
Grrr, I've lost the ability to write directly, damn it. Enough.