age

I've been feeling old the past couple of weeks, for the first time basically... ever. I'm unprepared for this, and I hate it. I'm acutely aware of the fact that I am, and have been for a long time, the oldest person I know socially. It's like I'm the far border; beyond me is definitively, socially old. I hate boundaries, lines, walls. How the fuck did this happen to me? I feel unsettled, insecure; what material security I do have is largely contingent upon fairyhead (which is something we talked about, and are both OK with in mutual isolation, but...). I have no career, I don't have a place in the world, I'm still struggling with identity, I've yet to tap into this mythic burden of 'potential' that I've carried for most of my life, and... I'm getting old. I don't like this. I'm not ready for the downward slope. I will not go fucking gentle, but I don't want to go at all, god damn it.

notes on the reading

If you think "exploding the binary" necessarily means 'obliterate all current positions, render them impossible and meaningless', I think you might have misread*. To me, it has always seemed a mathematical explosion of possibilities, a multi-dimensional expansion, not a reduction. I would not deny anyone a sense of self that currently fits within the wo/man system, *unless* a fundamental aspect of that identity is that everyone everywhere must adhere to it, too. If your identity is based on the limiting of the self-definitional identities of others, you and I are probably going to be enemies. Otherwise, it's live, marvel, appreciate, enjoy, and let live.






*But if you first encountered that phrase where I did, it's almost understandable; it was badly written, and hard to get past the masturbatory self-aggrandizing to get at meaning.