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Dec. 11th, 2007 07:05 pmI have this unshakable sense that something happened to me very young to take me out of connection with people, family, community, culture: all the things that tend to be defaults for being human. I'm not sure why I'm so sure of this, since I really don't think I can remember a time where this wasn't the case, but I am. I don't think it's a structural lacuna, an addiction to causality or obsession with etiology, but I don't know what it is. All I know is that I was aware, very early, of being lateral to most of the connective lines I was expected to recognize and fulfill.
I don't think gender was where it started, but might be a manifestation of it instead. I've got lots of issues with things "everybody knows", it's just that gender is the most commonly and painfully encountered. Maybe it has something to do with my weird sensory tendencies, or maybe to the call of things not human, but I don't know, and I think I need to. Not for the lazy feel good resolution of the unearthed, but I have this sense that an early reaction to something... big... has stunted parts of me, and I'm tired of being stunted.
The problem is, I don't know how to get there, or even where there is. I've begun considering trying to find the remote church in Alabama I lived adjacent to, complete with it's strange cemetery, but if it's still standing, I imagine it will be much less remote, the surrounding forest much less primordial seeming and imposing, than it did then. But then I wonder if I've been too influenced by Lifetime movies, that the idea of going back to a place of stress could help me. The other site that comes to mind (and sometimes in dreams), my grandmother's house by Smith lake, isn't even in family possession any more, I don't think, and would require contact with my estranged father to even find out. Maybe it's not place specific, but I don't know how to go back in time to get to it, whatever it is, if it even exists. I wish I had more faith in oracles.
I don't think gender was where it started, but might be a manifestation of it instead. I've got lots of issues with things "everybody knows", it's just that gender is the most commonly and painfully encountered. Maybe it has something to do with my weird sensory tendencies, or maybe to the call of things not human, but I don't know, and I think I need to. Not for the lazy feel good resolution of the unearthed, but I have this sense that an early reaction to something... big... has stunted parts of me, and I'm tired of being stunted.
The problem is, I don't know how to get there, or even where there is. I've begun considering trying to find the remote church in Alabama I lived adjacent to, complete with it's strange cemetery, but if it's still standing, I imagine it will be much less remote, the surrounding forest much less primordial seeming and imposing, than it did then. But then I wonder if I've been too influenced by Lifetime movies, that the idea of going back to a place of stress could help me. The other site that comes to mind (and sometimes in dreams), my grandmother's house by Smith lake, isn't even in family possession any more, I don't think, and would require contact with my estranged father to even find out. Maybe it's not place specific, but I don't know how to go back in time to get to it, whatever it is, if it even exists. I wish I had more faith in oracles.
